"What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif."

"Its part of a comedy cultural exchange tour: tonight, I am doing the UK and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad…"

"Semtex... with nowt taken out!"

"A Persian Cat! Not an Iranian cat, no: an Iranian cat has a bomb under the body warmer!"

"I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!"

"When the war kicks off in Iran, I will be there. People ask me "Whose side are you going to fight on?" To these peopl…"

"So we beat the Croations at football and I was there yelling "Ah, you Crotes!" and this guy says "It's cro-at; learn …"

"I never really had any aspirations to be an actor when I was young. I wanted to play the piano in a bar, to be the ol…"

"If I do decide one day to stop acting, I just hate the idea of people going: 'Oh, did you ever do anything else besid…"

"I don't really know how to act, I kind of wanted to somehow make it real, and one of the ways I've always thought mak…"