"I hate people at Halloween they don’t carve their pumpkin out, they’ll just like paint a face on it; you know what I’…"

"Every Sunny Delight commercial is exactly the same, three guys in the back yard, and one of them is like, “What do yo…"

"The best part of Nintendo was the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we ha…"

"So it’s so nice to perform in an actual city, usually I do a lot of colleges on the road and it’s crazy. They always …"

"This country’s split right now. I think if you’re a Republican, well, you’re wrong. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I own l…"

"I hate whenever you go into a coffee shop, no matter what you order they have their own way of calling it to the back…"

"I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot and I couldn’t tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not, and …"

"“Yes, this is Diane calling from the hospital. I just called to tell you that your ex-girlfriend Mia was killed today…"

"When you're pregnant, you finally start reading ingredients on food. You start caring about yourself by accident, bec…"

"Once the Cosby thing happened, I was kind of like, anything I hold dear to me truth-wise could be untrue. I'm literal…"