"Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can neve…"

"A messy home sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise, Mom would dust.""

"Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards."

"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."

"Terrible name for a war. Never set a date for withdrawal."

"Protestantism: This is a variant form of Christianity, or "heresy"."

"Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews! If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kil…"

"Agnostics: Atheists without balls."

"I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed…"