"Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?"

"Having a kid is great...As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or speaking."

"I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy."

"The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!"

"[drops a can in a supermarket] Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money."

"Nature called. Look who answered."

"Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him."

"Adam Sandler as Sonny Koufax"

"Dylan and Cole Sprouse as Julian McGrath"

"Joey Lauren Adams as Layla Maloney"