"Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna [joyfully snaps fingers] have a lot of fun, huh? [everybody cheers]"

"Brian George - Dungeon Maitre d'"

"Megan Cavanagh - Broomhilde"

"Dick Van Patten - The Abbot"

"Dom DeLuise - Don Giovanni"

"Patrick Stewart - King Richard"

"Tracey Ullman - Latrine the Witch"

"Isaac Hayes - Asneeze"

"Matthew Porretta - Will Scarlet O'Hara"

"Eric Allan Kramer - Little John"

"Mark Blankfield - Blinkin"

"Mel Brooks - Rabbi Tuckman"

"Dave Chappelle - Ahchoo"

"Roger Rees - Sheriff of Rottingham"

"Richard Lewis - Prince John"

"Amy Yasbeck - Maid Marian of Bagel"

"Cary Elwes - Robin of Loxley, called Robin Hood"

"Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!"

"Dr. Seward: Would an enema help?"

"[a bat poops on the stairs] Children of the night... what a mess they make!"

"[waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having... a daymare."

"[after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin. [pause] Or the chandelier."

"[his last line] Renfield, you asshole!"

"[in a dream, at a picnic] I'm drinking wine, and I'm eating chicken!"

"[embarrassed after hearing Renfield and Lucy screaming from outside] Renfield, you idiot."

"[upon seeing two voluptuous brides of Dracula - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What are you doing to the furniture?"

"Yesss... MASSSTER!"

"[as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] No, this is wrong. This is wrong! This is wrong, you hear me? Wrong! This is ... Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong my brains out!"

"I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything [guard locks door] I saw everything! [cackles]"

"[upon hearing Dr. Seward's instruction to the guard: "Take him back to his cell and give him a you-know-what!"] No! No! Not another enema!"

"Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?"

"Nurse: [Upon seeing the unconscious medical students on the floor] Well done, doctor! Ten out of ten!"

"Jonathan Harker: Oh yes, my dear. The Opera is astonishing. The music is fraught with love, hate, sensuality, and unbridled passion... all the things in my life that I've managed to suppress."

"Leslie Nielsen - Count Dracula"

"Peter MacNicol - R.M. Renfield"

"Steven Weber - Jonathan Harker"

"Amy Yasbeck - Mina Murray"

"Mel Brooks - Dr. Abraham Van Helsing"

"Lysette Anthony - Lucy Westenra"

"Harvey Korman - Dr. Jack Seward"

"Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?"

"Hey there, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?"

"Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks."

"Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, C'mon in."

"[to Bart after he shoots and kills Lamarr] Wow, you shot the bad guy."

"[as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad."

"[to Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land—the common clay of the new West. You know... morons."

"Work, work, work, work, work, work, work. [turns to the bosom of a female staffer] Hello boys! Have a good night's rest? I missed you!"

"It got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street...and I heard a voice behind me shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around and there I was, face-to-face...with a six-year-old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since."

"[his last line (referring to Douglas Fairbanks), after Bart shoots him outside Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?"