Robert Orben

"President Ford used humor a great deal."

"It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke."

"A young person today has a nanosecond attention span, so whatever you do in a humor has to be short. Younger people do not wait for anything that takes time to develop. We're going totally to one-liners. Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer."

"Dick Cheney has to be the kindliest attack dog ever."

"It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line."

"I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff."

"If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?'"

"If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters."

"George Bush has turned into the playboy of the Western world. He shows up at Chinese restaurants, at movies, at the Kennedy Center. He seems to be a totally relaxed, enjoy-the-moment kind of individual. He has shown a sense of playfulness that is very appealing. It shows he isn't overwhelmed by the overwhelming responsibilities he is taking on."

"Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure."

"Humor is a marvelous communications tool, as Reagan has demonstrated so well. He has weathered many a storm that others might not have. With Reagan, people just say, 'There he goes again.' A sense of humor allows a president to back off a little from the tensions of the moment and take a calmer view of things."

"Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence."

"Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years."

"As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics."

"The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss."

"Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.'"

"Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it."

"I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature."

"Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it."

"The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it."

"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

"Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral."

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in."

"Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery it's a pen that scratches."

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs, there'd be no place to put it all."

"The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world."

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success."

"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards."

"If you can laugh together, you can work together."

"You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair."

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away."

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."

"What bothers me about television is that it takes our minds off our minds."

"Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder."

"Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen."

"Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?"