Kin Hubbard

"Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either."

"Nobuddy ever listened t' reason on a empty stomach."

"Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it."

"It's purty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious."

"Ther's still a few honest folks left but they never seem t' find anything you lose."

"If at first you do succeed don't take any more chances."

"Now an' then an innocent man is sent t' th' legislature."

"Gittin' talked about is one o' th' penalties for bein' purty, while bein' above suspicion is about th' only compensation fer bein' homely."

"Don't knock th' weather. Nine-tenths o' th' people couldn' start a conversation if it didn' change once in a while."

"Some people are so sensitive that they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them."

"Th' only way t' entertain some folks is t' listen t' 'em."

"When a fellow says, "It hain't the money, but th' principle o' the thing," it's th' money."

"Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They jest can't buzz any slower."

"Some folks can look so busy doin' nothin' that they seem indispensable."

"Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest."

"Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid."

"Nine-tenths of our crimes an' calamities are made possible by th' automobile. It has unleashed all th' pent-up criminal tendencies o' th' ages. It's th' central figure in murders, hold-ups, burglaries, accidents, elopements, failures an' abscondments. It has well nigh jimmed th' American home.... No girl is missin' that wuzn' last seen steppin' in a strange automobile.... An' ther hain't a day rolls by that somebuddy hain't sellin' ther sewin' machine, or ther home, or somethin' t' pay on an automobile.... Maybe th' jails an' workhouses are empty, but that's not because th' world is gittin' better. It's because all th' criminals escape in automobiles."

"Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count."

"We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate."

"Men are not punished for their sins, but by them."

"There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose."

"Kin Hubbard is dead. To us folks that attempt to write a little humor his death is just like Edison's would be to the world of invention. No man in our generation was within a mile of him, and I am so glad that I didn't wait for him to go to send flowers. I have said it from the stage and in print for twenty years. Just think — only two lines a day, yet he expressed more original philosophy in 'em than all the rest of the paper combined. What a kick Twain and all that gang will get out of Kin."