John Hegley

"My grandmother used to say before you moan about the muck on someone else's glasses make sure you're not on about the muck on your own her glasses were filthy"

"In the beginning was the dog the real name of Jehovah is Rover Adam's rib is buried in the garden"

"From Bradford Yorkshire to Bristol Temple Meads you don't have to change your underwear but you have to change at Leeds"

"This winter I hope you get a splinter if you make a toboggan and it is a mahog'un"