Jane Wagner

"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it...."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading."

"It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."

"All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

"If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less."

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up."

"I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you."

"Your problem is your role models were models."

"I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen."

"Remember we're all in this alone."

"Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed."

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

"If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?"

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"

"If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed."

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."

"The best mind-altering drug is truth."

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?"

"Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem... Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days."