Death to Smoochy

"I despise you... I LOATHE YOU!!! Bastard son of Barney! Die! Die, you stuffed ball of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker! Die! Die!"

"Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud."

"[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you dumb fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough."

"You better grow eyes in the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling right up your foamy rubber ass! I'm going on a safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [makes an elephant noise]"

"[to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!"

"[after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!"

"[after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! [heavy Irish accent] I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!"

"[to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom! [starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm] Rainbow Randolph is the man; Yes, oh, yes, he is! He's the king of Rainbowland; Yes, oh, yes, he is! With some fun, fun here and a laugh, laugh there, Here a dance, there a song; everything is fun, fun! Rainbow Randolph is the King [stars to cry] La, la, la, la...[covers his face]"

"Friends Come in all Sizes!"

"[singing] Where can you go when skies turn grey? Where the sun always shines and the animals play? Where every day is a happy day? Well, Smoochy's here to show the way!"

"When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."

"[singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting."

"Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus."

"Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and poke either of you."

"You can't change the world but you can make a dent."

"Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming."

"Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!"

"There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me."

"Wasn't that fun in an Awkward Way?"

"BURKE! BURKE, GET BACK HERE!!!"

"You just F**ked up with the wrong rhino..."

"Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June."

"Tommy Cotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced."

"Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic."

"Merv Green: Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat."

"Merv Green: Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen."

"Buggy Ding Dong I NEVER SAW VENICE! (Screams)"

"KidNet CEO Here at the KidNet Jungle, The rhino, Is Extinct."

"Get ready for an unexpected hit."

"He's Big, He's Blue, He's Smoochy... and He's got to DIE!"

"It's the Rhino vs. the Wino... with a little help from the mob"

"The Blackest Comedy on Children's Television!"

"It's a kids show... with gangsters, bribery and corruption!"

"Welcome to the Dark Side of Children's Television"

"We're all looking for a movie to take our children to, This is not that movie."

"Robin Williams"

"Edward Norton"

"Catherine Keener"

"Jon Stewart"

"Danny DeVito"

"Harvey Fierstein"