"Well, you certainly made it very clear how your legal system works Mr. Young. Now, I'd like to explain a little bit about the Peter Blunt system. You see, I don't go in for lawsuits and motions or any of the legal stuff. No, no, you see what happens is, uh, I find out where you live and then I come to your house, see? And I beat down your door with a fucking baseball bat! And, then I make a bonfire with the Chipendale, maybe roast that Golden Retriever, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, then eat it! And then I'm coming upstairs, junior, and I'm gonna grab you by your Brooks Bros. P.J.s, and then I'm gonna take your brand new B.M.W., and cram it up your tight ass! Do we have an understanding?"

"[on the phone, after Chandler Young has gotten Hartounian Construction's power turned off] That's hard to say, huh? Well, when can we get the power turned back on? That's hard to say, huh? Well, tell me something. Is it as hard to say as "Oh, my god! Somebody help me! There's a man in my office with a flamethrower"?"

"Golf, golf... what kinda name is "golf" anyway? Sounds like a sound you make when you've got something caught in your throat."

"You know I'm always shooting myself with one of those poison-dipped, crossbow darts. I don't know why they don't put a warning on those things."

"We're talking mucho dinero, and probably some American money too."

"I won't be a caddy all my life, I'm going to carwash school in the fall."

"The shack is back!"

"Home of the rich and tasteless."

"Jackie Mason - Jack Hartounian"

"Robert Stack - Chandler Young"

"Randy Quaid - Peter Blunt"

"Dan Aykroyd - Captain Tom Everett"

"Chevy Chase - Ty Webb"

"Jessica Lundy - Kate Hartounian"

"Dyan Cannon - Elizabeth Pearce"

"Jonathan Silverman - Harry"

"Dina Merrill - Cynthia Young"

"Marsha Warfield - Royette Tyler"

"Brian McNamara - Todd Young"

"Chynna Phillips - Mary Frances 'Miffy' Young"

"Paul Bartel - Mr. Jamison"

"Anthony Mockus Sr. - Mr. Pierpont"

"Bibi Osterwald - Mrs. Pierpont"

"Frank Welker (voice) - the Gopher"