Queer as Folk (British TV series)

"Can you believe it? They've got toilets in which no one's ever had sex!"

"It's the exact opposite of childbirth. First you have the baby, then you get fucked."

"Nathan: Donna, you don't know her! You don't know anything! Cos you're straight! Right? You're part of the system! Right? You're part of the fascist heterosexual orthodoxy! Donna: I'm black. And I'm a girl. Try that for a week."

"Stuart: Give him six months and he'll be able to name all the Doctor Whos, in order – William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy. Vince: What about Paul McGann? Both Together: Paul McGann doesn't count!"

"Vince: Says he’s 36, the liar. I’m sitting here with an old man. It’s like the auditions for Cocoon 3."

"Stuart: Tell him that story about the broken leg, that always works."

"Nathan: [barges in] Is that Vince? Say hello for me."

"Stuart: Uh, some twat says hello."

"Vince: is that Nathan? Stuart, listen, his mother had a rag on me. Do us a favor and keep an eye on him?"

"Stuart: Never mind him, just think about yourself for once."

"Cameron: We could go somewhere afterwards, I dunno. There’s pubs open, you’re the expert."

"Vince: Yeah. Listen, I’ve gotta make this call, there’s this boy and no one’s looking after him. Bit of a crisis, you don’t mind?"

"Vince: Stuart, seriously, it’s your fault he’s left home. He could wander off at anywhere."

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers it] Yeah?"

"Marie: [sarcastically] Thank you Stuart, thank you so much. I’ve had Ben crying his eyes out, that’s all he needs, another man to abandon him."

"Stuart: I did phone Marie, I left a message. It’s just, it’s an emergency, I’ve gotta work."

"Marie: You’re in a bar, I can hear it! How many dates do you think I get anyway, a mother with two kids?"

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers]"

"Sandra (Stuart’s PA): Are you with Martin Brooks? Cause his mobile’s switched off. His wife’s on the phone, the roof falling or something."

"Stuart: Martin, it’s your wife."

"Martin: I’m not here."

"Stuart: He’s not here."

"Vince: Call waiting. He’s a busy man."

"Cameron: Look, I really don’t mind, but can you put the phone down? Just for a minute."

"Vince: Yeah... Sure. Sorry."

"Cameron: Right. Cause if you wanna go clubbing, I could uh..."

"Vince: I’m sorry. It’s this boy, I promised his mother. [Answers] Hello?"

"Marie: You’ve kept me waiting long enough, now put him on the phone!"

"Vince: I’m not with Stuart."

"Marie: You’re always with him! I was supposed to be on a date and he’s ruined it!"

"Vince: I’m not. Honestly, I’m not. Hold on, call waiting again. [Answers] Yeah?"

"Sandra: Vince, put him on. I know full well he’s taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive."

"Sandra: His wife’s going mental."

"Vince: Whose wife?"

"Sandra: Martin Brooks’!"

"Vince: Who the hell is Martin Brooks? Hold on, call waiting. [Answers] What?!"

"Stuart: You hung up on me."

"Vince: Are you with Martin Brooks?"

"Stuart: How do you know Martin Brooks?"

"Vince: I’ve got Sandra chasing Martin Brooks."

"Stuart: I’ve never heard of Martin Brooks."

"Vince: [Switches calls, accidentally answers Marie’s instead of Sandra’s] He’s not with Martin Brooks."

"Marie: Who the hell is Martin Brooks?"

"Vince: Sorry, wrong woman, hold on. [Switches calls again to Sandra] Sandra, no Martin Brooks."

"Sandra: He is with Martin Brooks! And his roof has fallen in!"

"Vince: Whose roof’s fallen in?!"

"Vince: Hold on. [Switches calls] Marie. Is your date with Martin Brooks?"

"Marie: Who the fuck is Martin Brooks?!"

"Vince: I don’t know. But he’s got a wife and a dodgy roof."

"Cameron: [exasperated] Wait a minute, I know Martin Brooks, give me the phone."