"Mr Moustafa: When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men's greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. Uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman's distant relations had come foraging out of the woodwork."

"If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey."

"Ralph Fiennes - Monsieur Gustave H."

"Tony Revolori - Young Zero Moustafa"

"Jeff Goldblum - Deputy Vilmos Kovacs"

"Harvey Keitel - Ludwig"

"Jason Schwartzman - Monsieur Jean"

"Edward Norton - Inspector Henckels"

"Saoirse Ronan - Agatha"

"F. Murray Abraham - Old Zero Moustafa"

"You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it."

"Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower."

"What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero."

"Léa Seydoux - Clotilde"

"Bill Murray - Monsieur Ivan"

"[to Mme. Celine's corpse] You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some."

"The Author: [having finished listening to Mr Moustafa's story; last lines] A week later, I sailed for a cure in South America, and began a long, wandering journey abroad. I did not return to Europe for many years. It was an enchanting old ruin... [his voice turns into that of his older self] ...but I never managed to see it again."

"Jude Law - The Author as a Young Man"

"Owen Wilson - Monsieur Chuck"

"Tom Wilkinson - The Author as an Old Man"

"Bob Balaban - M. Martin"

"It's been proven by history: all mankind makes mistakes."

"Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick - Roosevelt"

"Chandler Frantz - Gadge"

"Harvey Keitel - Commander Pierce"

"Tilda Swinton - Social Services"

"Rob Campbell - Deluca"

"Kara Hayward - Suzy Bishop"

"Jared Gilman - Sam Shakusky"

"Bruce Willis - Captain Duffy Sharp"

"Bill Murray - Walt Bishop"

"Frances McDormand - Laura Bishop"

"Jason Schwartzman - Cousin Ben"

"Bob Balaban - Narrator"

"Walt Bishop: Our daughter's been abducted by one of these beige lunatics!"

"Social Services: [to Scout Master Ward and Captain Sharp] You two are the most appallingly incompetent custodial guardians Social Services has ever had the misfortune to encounter in a TWENTY-SEVEN year career!"

"Edward Norton - Scout Master Randy Ward"

"Larry Pine - Mr. Billingsley"

"Yes, the past happened. But it's over, isn't it?"

"Jack: Ah, bon soir. S'il vous plait, je voudrais un verre de lait au chocolat et une soupe de oignon et un sandwich avec... How do you say grilled cheese? [mumbled French on from the phone] Merci, exactement, merci beaucoup."

"Rhett: What the fuck is going on here?"

"Maybe we could express ourselves more fully when we say it without words."

"Because I have alopecia."

"I told you not to come here."

"You're bleeding like crazy!"

"Did you get maced too?"