screenplays-by-joss-whedon

"Simon Helberg - Moist"

"Felicia Day - Penny"

"Nathan Fillion - Captain Hammer"

"Neil Patrick Harris - Dr. Horrible / Billy"

"Penny: [last words] It's okay... Captain Hammer will save us."

"Mayor Hankins: Justice has a name, and the name it has... besides "justice"... is Captain Hammer!"

"Moist: Do you need anything dampened, or... made soggy?"

"[after Dr. Horrible's death ray explodes] Oh, I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like! Oh, mama! Someone maternal! Get outta my way! I gotta get out! Why is this fire exit locked?!"

"I don't have time for your warnings. You give my regards to Saint Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell."

"[Reading from palm cards] I hate the homeless-- [switches card] --ness problem that plagues this city. Everyone should have the basic... You know what, I don't need tiny cue cards. When I fell deeply in love with my serious, long-term girlfriend, Penny. Wave your hand, Penny. [Penny waves] There she is! Cute, huh? Sort of a quiet, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice. Anyway, she turned me on to this whole homeless... thing, which is terrible. And I realized, I'm not the only hero in the room tonight. I'm not the only one who's fighting. [sings "Everyone's A Hero"]"

"[after his freeze ray fails] Thaaat's not a good sound."

"[clears throat awkwardly] Theee Freeze Ray needs work. I also need to be a little bit more careful about what I say on this blog. Apparently, the LAPD and Captain Hammer are among our viewers. They were waiting for me at the Mayor's dedication to the Superhero Memorial Bridge, the Freeze Ray takes a few seconds to warm up, and I wasn't... Captain Hammer threw a car at my head."

"All right! The wait is over. This, my friends, is my Freeze Ray, which, with the addition of the wonderflonium I obtained at my famously successful heist last week. I say successful in that I achieved my objective. It was less successful in that I inadvertently introduced my arch-nemesis to the girl of my dreams, and now he's taking her out on dates, and they're probably going to...French kiss or something...! She called him sweet? How is he sweet? [long pause] Right, Freeze Ray! So, after tonight I am in the Evil League of Evil if all goes according to plan, which it will, because I hold a PhD in horribleness. See you at the aftermath. Peace! But... not literally."

"[to himself after talking to Penny] She talked to me. Why'd she talk to me now?"

"[opening monologue] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… Ah-ha-ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhh… So that’s, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach. Strengthening the... AH! A lot of guys ignore the laugh and that's about standards. I mean, if you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh. What, do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death-whinny? No response, BTW, from the League, yet. But my application is strong this year. A letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor--that's got to have some weight. So… fingers crossed! ...E-mails! [leafs through pieces of paper] 2Sly4U writes: "Hey Genius." Wow, sarcasm! That's original! [realizes he said that sarcastically] "Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your Transmatter Ray? Obviously, it failed or it would be in the papers." Well, no. They're not gonna say anything in the press, but behold! Transported from there... [holds up a ZipLock bag full of mud-colored liquid] ...to here! The molecules tend to shift during the transmatter, uh, event. But they were transported in bar form and they clearly were-- And by the way, it's not about making money, it's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just... need to rule it. I’m gonna... [puts the bag away] Smells like cumin. So, transmatter is seventy-five percent, and more importantly, the Freeze Ray is almost up. This is the one. Stops time. Freeze Ray. Tell your friends. [continues reading] We have... Oh! Here's one from our good friend Johnny Snow: "Doctor Horrible, I see you are once again afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for forty-five minutes--" Okay, dude. You're not my nemesis. My nemesis... is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, Corporate Tool. Dislocated my shoulder... again... last week. Look, I'm just trying to change the world, okay? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poseur in a parka. Besides there's kids in that park, so... Here's one from DeadNotSleeping: "Long time watcher, first time writing" blah, blah, blah, blah. "You always say in your blogs that you will 'show her the way, show her that you are a true villain'. Who is 'her' and does she even know that you’re a..." [sings "My Freeze Ray"]"

"Tell me again, Harry. Why did I take this job?"

"Pop quiz, asshole. You have a hair trigger aimed at your head. What do you do? What do you do? Turn around. TURN AROUND!"

"David Kriegel - Terry"

"Carlos Carrasco - Ortiz"

"Hawthorne James - Sam"

"Beth Grant - Helen"

"Richard Lineback - Norwood"

"Glenn Plummer - Jaguar Owner"

"Alan Ruck - Stephens"

"Jeff Daniels - Det. Harold 'Harry' Temple"

"Joe Morton - Capt. McMahon"

"Sandra Bullock - Annie Porter"

"Dennis Hopper - Howard Payne"

"Keanu Reeves - Officer Jack Traven"

"[hearing Jack on the subway car roof] Hey, Jack! Is that you? He's so persistent, he always gets his man. Wouldn't be able to interest you in a bribe, would I? I've got, uh, plenty to go around! [he opens the money bag, only for a rigged purple dye pack to burst in his face, ruining the money] My money! YOU BASTARD! [shooting at Jack through the train roof] HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?! YOU LIKE IT, YOU BASTARD?! MY MONEY! [he runs out of bullets] Shit! You! I'm coming for you, Jack! [runs for the subway door, screaming in rage]"

"A bomb is made to explode. That's its meaning. Its purpose. Your life is empty because you spend it trying to stop the bomb from becoming. And for who? For what? Do you know what a bomb is, Jack, that doesn't explode? It is a cheap gold watch, buddy."

"Alan Ruck — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick"

"There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself."

"The Dark Side of Nature."

"Don't Breathe. Don't Look Back."

"Go for a ride you'll never forget!"

"If you can hear it, it's already too late!"

"Nature Sucks."

"Helen Hunt — Dr. Jo Harding"

"Bill Paxton — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding"

"Cary Elwes — Dr. Jonas Miller"

"Jami Gertz — Dr. Melissa Reeves"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis"

"Lois Smith — Meg Greene"

"Sean Whalen — Allan Sanders"

"Scott Thomson — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe"

"Todd Field — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis"

"She's tore up plenty, but she'll fly true. [when asked by Mal about the status of Serenity, referring to both the ship and herself after the final battle]"

"This is the place. We'll buy you the time."

"At last, we can retire and give up this life of crime."