"[to Jane] And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lede."

"Blair Litton: [to Jane] Except for socially, you're my role model."

"William Hurt - Tom Grunick"

"Albert Brooks - Aaron Altman"

"Holly Hunter - Jane Craig"

"Robert Prosky - Ernie Merriman"

"Lois Chiles - Jennifer Mack"

"Joan Cusack - Blair Litton"

"Christian Clemenson - Bobby"

"Jack Nicholson - Bill Rorich"

"John Cusack - Angry Messenger"

"Marc Shaiman - News Theme Writer"

"Es lo que quieres para ti? Para llegar a ser alguien muy diferente a mí? [Is what you want for yourself? To become someone very different than me?]"

"Cloris Leachman - Evelyn Norwich"

"American women, I believe, actually the feel the same as Hispanic women about weight: a desire for the comfort of fullness. And when that desire is suppressed for style and deprivation allowed to rule, dieting, exercising American women become afraid of everything associated with being curvaceous: such as wantoness, lustfulness, sex, food, motherhood; all that is best in life."

"I've been overwhelmed by your encouragement to apply to your university and your list of scholarships available to me. Though, as I hope this essay shows, your acceptance, while it would thrill me, will not define me. My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter. Thank you, Cristina Moreno."

"Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane can drive you nuts."

"Do this for me or I'll set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! [Victor: Huh?] Yeah, yeah, you're right: that was an unusual way to make myself understood."

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous,so much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here."

"I know I know we can't do anything, that brings a kind of satisfaction and release, BUT I'M STILL HAVING A GREAT TIME!"

"Flor! Look at this child! You could make a fortune doing surrogate pregnancy!"

"You were an alcoholic and wildly promiscuous woman during my formative years so that I'm in this fix because of you, it is your fault and I just needed that moment for us to build on."

"Paz Vega - Flor Moreno"

"Shelbie Bruce - Cristina Moreno"

"Adam Sandler - John Clasky"

"Téa Leoni - Deborah Clasky"

"Sarah Steele - Bernice "Bernie" Clasky"

"Jack Nicholson - Melvin Udall"

"Helen Hunt - Carol Connelly"

"Greg Kinnear - Simon Bishop"

"Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Frank Sachs"

"Shirley Knight - Beverly Connelly"

"Skeet Ulrich - Vincent Lopiano"

"[to Verdell, as he throws him down the garbage chute] This is New York. If you make it here, you can make it anywhere."

"Lupe Ontiveros - Nora Manning"

"Lawrence Kasdan - Dr. Green"

"Harold Ramis - Dr. Martin Bettes"

"Danielle Spencer - Veterinarian"

"Peter Jacobson - Man at table"

"Lisa Edelstein - Woman at table"

"Yeardley Smith - Jackie Simpson"

"[to Simon Bishop] As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?"

"[trying to write] "Love was..." [Simon Bishop knocks on his door] Son of a BITCH! Pansy-ass stool pusher!"

"[to Simon Bishop] Well, I work all the time. So never, NEVER interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later, there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint - even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States, and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?"

"[to Verdell] I think it's a beautiful day for our walk today. Very nice. [Verdell is avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, just like Melvin does. Melvin slows and observes the dog mirroring his behavior. Verdell carefully places his paws again to avoid a crack in the sidewalk.] What? Huh? [to Verdell] Hey! Hey! [He laughs out loud.] Look at that! Look at him! [He puts on plastic gloves.] I've gotta give you something. I gotta give you something real good, too. Now, I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy. [He lifts Verdell to eye level.] Don't be like me, don't you be like me. You stay just the way you are 'cause you are a perfect man, and I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat."

"[to Verdell, affectionately] Yes, I hate the doggy! Yes, I hate the doggy!"

"Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it."

"[to patients in Dr. Green's waiting room] What if this is as good as it gets?"