screenplays-by-david-mandel

"I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!"

"We're from the Manchester United fan club from... [anxiously gulps] Ohio..."

"[Repeated line] I'm never drinking again."

"This isn't where I parked my car."

"Ha, ha, look at Jamie's penis!"

"So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?"

"Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. [Points to Frommer's guidebook] Oh, here's a fun fact! [Jamie looks up, interested] You made out with your sister, man! [Jamie lunges at Cooper]"

"Hot European Sex!"

"Later Bert, stay black, bro!"

"[To Jenny] You're just a really cool dude with long hair!"

"[In bus being deliberately driven on left-side of motorway with all traffic swerving to side] Come on, you're on the wrong side of the road you snail eating poofs, fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic fucking garlic breath tossers! Piss off! Get in here and say that ya bloody Ita-i Shite-ies! C'mon! Fucking come and have it! You fucking beep!?! We'll beep you bastards all over your fucking nose! Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks! Go on out of it! Fuck off!"

"If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!"

"[Spots a rival football fan in Paris] Hey lads, that wanker's got a frog football shirt on, let's give this Nancy a fucking good kickin'! Come on lads, it's goin' off! [Hooligans all chase the French football fan]"

"Weird Italian Guy: [On train] Mi Scusi!"

"Donny: Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday."

"PC Mail Notification: Beep-beep! Mail Motherfucker!"

"Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand."

"Frontman Donny of rock band Lustra: [Taps on microphone to get attention of the party] Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Going to play a little song for you about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know... Fiona. [Fiona bursts out from crowd and jumps on stage] This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary. [Band starts playing] Scotty doesn't know, that Fiona and me, do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church. But she doesn't go. Still she's on her knees, and Scotty doesn't know... Oh, Scotty doesn't know... So don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know... [Scott watches unimpressed]"

"Scott Mechlowicz as Scott Thomas"

"Jacob Pitts as Cooper Harris"

"Michelle Trachtenberg as Jenny"

"Travis Wester as Jamie"

"Kristin Kreuk as Fiona"

"Jessica Boehrs as Mieke"

"Nial Iskhakov as Bert"

"Jeffrey Tambor as Mr. Thomas (uncredited)"

"Cathy Meils as Mrs. Thomas"

"Matt Damon as Donny (frontman for Lustra"

"Vinnie Jones as Mad Maynard"

"Fred Armisen as Creepy Italian Guy"

"Lucy Lawless as Madame Vandersexxx"

"Jana Pallaske as Anna, The Camera Store Girl"

"Walter Sittler as Mieke's Father"

"Steve Hytner as Green Fairy"

"Rade Serbedzija as Tibor (as Rade Sherbedgia)"

"Dominic Raacke as German-speaking trucker"

"Patrick Rapold as Christoph"

"Go Go Jean Michel Francis as the Groovy Cakes Amsterdam bakery server"

"Molly Schade as Candy"

"J.P. Manoux as Robot Man"