"What's a mother to do? Lazy brat sits in her room all day, sewing dolls. Children misbehaving in the basement! And one in the wall, doing his business God knows where. You kids will be the death of me... the death of me."

"I don't want to see another cop or cookie in my life. I don't know which one makes me sicker."

"You didn't lick this, did you?"

"Then she can burn in hell. Both of them."

"Just because a man's lying down doesn't mean he's dead!"

"He came at me like an airplane or something!"

"We done popped this house's cherry."

"Yeah, and maybe the President will make me Secretary of Pussy."

"That X-ray lady's back, she's out back right now by the van. She's got a man with her the size of Detroit."

"[To Rottweiler dog] Hey fuzzball! Your mother sleeps with cats!"

"How did Spenser get past her? She's got X-Ray eyeballs!"

"Conni Marie Brazelton as Mary"

"Burn in hell for gettin' free, and burn in hell for showin' the way!"

"[To his dog] Shut the FUCK up!"

"Sometimes bad things happen to good people."

"Pretty clear thinking given the circumstances. Wait, let me guess, some stress management courses? They're really paying off. When we get out of this, I may have to steal you."

"I never lied to you, Leese. You know why? 'Cause it doesn't serve me."

"Lisa, whatever female-driven, emotion-based dilemma you may be dealing with right now, you have my sympathy. But for the sake of time and sanity, let's break this down into a little male-driven fact-based logic. One simple phone call saves your dad's life."

"Where's your male-driven fact-based logic now Jack?"

"Not in my house!"

"Rachel McAdams - Lisa Reisert"

"Cillian Murphy - Jackson "Jack" Rippner"

"Brian Cox - Joseph "Joe" Reisert"

"Jayma Mays - Cynthia"

"Jack Scalia - Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security Charles "Charlie" Keefe"

"Colby Donaldson - Head Secret Service Agent"

"Robert Pine and Teresa Press-Marx - Bob and Marianne Taylor"

"Derek Mears - Werewolf"

"Why can't you just download porn like most other teenage boys?"

"You know the best thing about being a fairy? You get to fly."

"Putting on weight, Kyle?"

"All I got was a couple dates, some hot sex and an "I'm not ready for a relationship, it's not you it's me"."

"Why do men always go for the tortured ones? Poor, damaged Ellie."

"Fair fight? This is Hollywood!"

"I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf."

"Jake, honey, muffin. I'm not going to kill her, I promise. I'm just gonna rip her to shreds and let her choke on her own blood... and then maybe I'll eat her."

"Fair fight? This is Hollywood! And you! You get one taste of blood and you freak out."