"Disciples of the Watch- I stand before you; in the name of the one True God, who was cast out from heaven, but is alive in me. Do you hear me? [Crowd answers: "We hear and obey."] I command you now to seek out and destroy the Nazarene child. Slay the Nazarene and I reign forever. Fail, and I perish. Slay the Nazarene and you, my disciples, shall truly inherit this earth! Fail and you will be condemned to a numbing eternity in the flaccid bosom of Christ. Do you hear me? Disciples of the Watch: there must be no delay. Slay the Nazarene and victory shall be ours, now and forevermore. Do you hear me?"

"Nazarene, charlatan, what can you offer humanity? Since the hour you vomited forth from the gaping wound of a woman, you have done nothing but drown man's soaring desires in a deluge of sanctimonious morality. You've inflamed the pubertal mind of youth with your repellent dogma of original sin. And now you absolve in denying them the ultimate joy beyond death by destroying me? But you will fail, Nazarene, as you have always failed. We were both created in man's image, but while you were born of an impotent god, I was conceived of a jackal. Born of Satan, the desolate one. Your pain on the cross was but a splinter compared to the agony of my father. Cast out of heaven, the fallen angel, banished, reviled. I will drive deeper the thorns into your rancid carcass, you profaner of Isis. Cursed Nazarene. Satan, I will avenge thy torment, by destroying the Christ forever."

"Ron Rifkin - Larry Friedman"

"Brian George - Paulie Chopra (Indian bartender)"

"Bonhi Elfman - Howard the Casanova"

"Rena Sofer - Rachel Rose"

"Lisa Edelstein - Ali Decker"

"Hollan Taylor - Bonnie Rose"

"Eli Wallach - Rabbi Ben Lewis"

"Miloš Forman - Father Havel"

"Anne Bancroft - Ruth Schram"

"Jenna Elfman - Anna Reilly"

"Edward Norton - Father Brian Kilkenney Finn"

"Ben Stiller - Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram"

"If you have to believe in something, you might as well believe in love."

"May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if he cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping."

"God was showing off when he made you."

"I work harder than God! If he had hired me, he would have made the world by Thursday."

"Sometimes we don't see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way."

"The truth is, I don't really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that... because those aren't really questions about faith, those are questions about religion. And it's very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It's a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all... connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening... to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. And so all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church... to know that we're doing pretty well as a community. Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably."

"Susie Essman - Ellen Friedman"