"[to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater."

"Michael Tourek - Alexei"

"Jimmy Butler - himself"

"Andrew Leeds - Tim"

"Erick Chavarria - Alan"

"Adrian Martinez - Larry"

"Oliver Cooper - Drew"

"Chloe Wepper - Kelsey"

"Ben Falcone - Doctor"

"Matt Walsh - Ezra"

"Fortune Feimster - Lonny"

"Da'Vine Joy Randolph - Carla"

"Jamie Chung - Meghan"

"Abbey Lee - Savannah"

"Randall Park - Fred"

"Sam Richardson - Joel"

"Karan Soni - Nate Winetoss"

"Rob Corddry - Jeremy Parker"

"Vanessa Bayer - Allison Parker"

"Courtney B. Vance - Walter Davis"

"Jillian Bell - Trina"

"Kate McKinnon - Mary Winetoss"

"Jennifer Aniston - Carol Vanstone"

"T. J. Miller - Clay Vanstone"

"Olivia Munn - Tracey Hughes"

"Jason Bateman - Josh Parker"

"Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas."

"Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!"

"I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it."

"Tamala Jones — Cindi"

"[narrating] It was October, freshman year. First time in history that I'd ever missed the bus. If I had arrived on time, I never would've seen her. But as it was, I was the first person at Huntington Hills High to set eyes on Amanda Beckett. It was her first day at school. Then, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the entire school, she walks into mine. And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Now, up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart - the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?"

"I don't know about you, but I really believe that there's one person out there, and for me it's gotta be Amanda."

"Mike Dexter is an asshole. For the past decade, he has made a hobby of my pain. Witness exhibit A: my eighth grade science project - a working rain forest that Mike threw out a third floor window. It rains here no more. Witness exhibit B: an eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film festival; I saw no third dimension. And of course, how can I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night."

"You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us."

"All right this is it. It is finally time for Kenny Fisher to become... da man. Now I've done my laps, and all ten finalists are present and accounted for. Ten lovely ladies, yo. Each one at my disposal. Ten willing and able tour guides into the theme park of love. But who will it be? Which of you gorgeous ten will be the lucky one?"

"[after he spilled water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!"

"Angel Stripper: Fate. There is fate. But it only takes you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen."

"Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's the future. Tonight's the party!"

"An event eighteen years in the making."

"For the class of 1998, the last night of high school is the first night of the rest of their lives."

"Jennifer Love Hewitt — Amanda Beckett"

"Ethan Embry — Preston Meyers"

"Charlie Korsmo — William Lichter"

"Lauren Ambrose — Denise Fleming"

"Peter Facinelli — Mike Dexter"

"Seth Green — Kenny Fisher"

"Jason Segel — Matt, Watermelon Guy"

"Clea Duvall — Jana"

"Jaime Pressly — Beth"

"Channon Roe — Jake"