"[on the telephone] Hello, Dutch? Bill O'Brien! Say listen, I'm over at the Pigeon Club takin' in the sights, and, uh, I ran into somethin' that I thought might be of mutual interest to us. An out-of-town job came shoo-shooing in here a while ago and throwin' away money like birdseed."

"Constance Worth - Sylvia Marbe"

"Jack Roper - Eddie Burns"

"Eddie Foster - Louie Artino"

"Ralph Theodore - Dutch Enright"

"George Watts - Joseph Hopper"

"John Qualen - Charles Engle"

"Thomas Mitchell - Eugene 'Gene' Gibbons"

"Rita Hayworth - Nina Barona"

"Douglas Fairbanks Jr. - Bill O'Brien"

"Stage Doorman: [looking out into the darkened, empty theater] Shhh! Hear that noise? That's the rats - always performing! If I left this scenery here, they'd eat it up - eat the whole theater up if it wasn't for the actors! The hollering frightens them."

"Yesterday's pain is tomorrow's joke. And you'll always end up laughing if you can manage not to cut your throat first."

"They'll deal you hope off the bottom."

"[seeing a waiter put two drinks on the table] Fine, fine! I no longer have to order drinks. I just attract them. He shall have liquor wherever he goes! [to Engle] As I understand from your communication, Mr. Engle, you're on the brink of self-destruction. May I shake your hand? A brilliant idea! I speak as one who has destroyed himself a score of times. I am, Mr. Engle, a veteran corpse. We are all corpses here! This rendezvous is one of the musical graveyards of the town. Caters to zombies hopping around with dead hearts and price tags for souls. Hmmmp! [offering him one of the drinks] Will you join me, sir? It is the custom here for the dead to drink - heavily! [drinks] Allow me to present my credentials as a fellow cadaver. I'm being divorced by my wife whom I love dearly in my own nasty way. I was disemboweled by another woman. I have written three bad plays in a row, and next year I'll write a worse one. I have neither a home, a single hope, nor a shred of curiosity left. Bankrupt and broke, I've destroyed myself, sir, in becoming famous. I am no longer a man, Mr. Engle, I'm an epitaph over an ash can! And now, sir, what's your story?"

"[to Bill O'Brien] I'll remember this night for a long time. When things don't seem so good, I'll remember Mr. Gibbons, and Mr. Engle... and you."

"Oh, if only I had my slave costume and my chains!"

"I'm pretending there's something swell about you. This delusion came over me while we were dancing. You know, when you look into a girl's eyes and you think you see someone that isn't there... well that's what I saw."

"A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away."

"Louis Zorich - Nikos, the Greek millionaire"

"Frances Conroy - Lady from Palm Beach"

"Meagen Fay - Lady from Oklahoma"

"Dana Ivey - Mrs. Reed"

"Ian McDiarmid - Arthur"

"Barbara Harris - Fanny Eubanks"

"Anton Rodgers - Inspector Andre"

"Glenne Headly - Janet Colgate"

"Michael Caine - Lawrence Jamieson"

"Steve Martin - Freddy Benson"

"Fellas, last year I made 3 million dollars, but your 50 thousand was the most fun. Are you ready? Then let's go get 'em."

"[in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!"

"I've got culture coming out of my ass."

"You've been banging on your pots again, haven't you? I've told you... if you keep on doing it, you won't have any pots left."

"Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron."

"Rebecca Pidgeon - Fran Moore"

"Everyone needs money. That's why it's called "money"."

"I hate to do anything as dramatic as count to three but one, two, three."

"Are you fuckin' with me? Are you FUCKIN' with me? Or are you done FUCKIN' with me?"

"Save the bold moves for the brilliant players."

"You know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road crossed the chicken."

"[pulling a gun on Jimmy] Your weight and your fate, right here. Your weight and your fate."

"[of his wife, Fran] She could talk her way out of a sunburn."

"What do you want me to do? Just pull up a chair while you rape me?"

"[about Jimmy] Young, dumb and full of cum."

"Love makes the world go 'round... Love of Gold."

"It isn't love that makes the world go round."

"Gene Hackman - Joe Moore"

"Danny DeVito - Bergman"

"Sam Rockwell - Jimmy"

"Delroy Lindo - Bobby Blane"

"Ricky Jay - Pinky"