The 10th Kingdom

"Don't worry, I'm not who I used to be. I've had extensive therapy. I realize I have been using food as a substitute for love and I have the books to prove it: "Breaking the Cycle", "Heal Yourself in 7 Days", "Stop Blaming Yourself, Please", and "Help for the Bed-Wetting Child", which I picked up by mistake. But I've got them all!"

"My name is Virginia...and I live on the edge of the forest."

"I'm gonna die of long hair!"

"Well, at least things can't get any worse."

"[talking about her mother] Well, I knew she'd come back because she had left all her clothes, you know. She loved her clothes more than anything in the world. And I kept going into her room and checking on them. And then after a few months you suddenly said that we had to get rid of them all, [beginning to cry] so, I remember folding them all very neatly, and I kept hoping that there was going to be, you know, a secret note or something that would be written for me, you know, just to me, telling me that she loved me, and explaining the secret magical reason why she had to go, you know? I mean, I still have this uncontrollable urge to just go up to people and say "My mother left me when I was seven!" You know, as if that would explain everything. [sobbing] And I miss her... And I hate her! And...and I miss her... And I feel like I was on a train and it crashed or something and no one came and rescued me. I always wanted my life to be a fairy story, you know, and now it is!"

"You haven't seen my father walking around anywhere here, have you? Oh, he might have been singing "Whiter Shade of Pale"."

"I hope you like dogs, Wendell. You're going to spend the rest of your life as one."

"There are no 'masters' here! Only one mistress! Don't forget that, doggy."

"[When a farmer's daughter reveals that the fake Wendell has told her family everything] Oh, dear. That really was the wrong answer."

"[after a mass poisoning] Anyone for seconds? [pauses to look around] No?"

"What is it with you people? What kind of twisted upbringing did you have? You know, why can't you just say, 'Oh, that'll be 100 gold coins'? Why does it always have to be, 'No! Not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on that giant's ass!'?"

"[Meeting the village idiot] Do we have magnets in our pockets? How do we attract people like this?"

"Well, it's "slice the fruitcake" time again."

"All right, Mr. I-don't-have-to-look-but-I-can-chop-wood, your name is Rumpelstiltskin."

"Time for walkies!"

"I know your destiny. You'll ask a question, and die before it is answered."

"This is a magic crossbow. When fired, it will not stop until it hits the heart of a living being. It cannot miss."

"What is destined to happen, will happen, no matter what we do!"

"What a pathetic display. How DARE you, call yourselves my children!"

"I'm taking my half of the kingdom right now. Wanna make something of it?"

"[to his children, who have allowed Virginia to escape with his magic shoes] Idiot! Fools! I can't leave you alone for a minute! Your mothers would be ashamed of you!"

"In a puzzling fit of immodesty, NBC claims that The 10th Kingdom is, no less, "the epic event of the millennium." NBC says so right on my screener tapes. Damn, that puts a hitch in the next 999 years and 10 months. But it does sound better than "a moderately diverting event of the week, which we are deathly afraid will be eaten alive in the ratings.""

"Kimberley Williams - Virginia Lewis"

"John Larroquette - Anthony Lewis"

"Scott Cohen - Wolf"

"Dianne Wiest - Evil Queen/Christine Snow"

"Daniel Lapaine - Prince Wendell"

"Ed O'Neill - Relish the Troll King"

"Rutger Hauer - Huntsman"

"Ann-Margaret - Cinderella"

"Camryn Manheim - Snow White"

"Warwick Davis - Acorn the Dwarf"

"Lucy Punch - Sally Peep"