Nicole Hollander

"(Sylvia) You almost never see a real lady popping out of a cake."

"(Sylvia at typewriter) On Getting Old in America. By Sylvia. Page One. 1. Best to do it somewhere else."

"(Dr. Paul Johns, animal linguist, on cats) It seems their entire language consists of two phrases, uttered with varying degrees of intensity: "Hurry that dinner, willya" and "Everything here is mine." (p. 35)"

"(Sylvia to blindfolded cat) Just put your paw on the map, and that's where we'll go for our vacation. It's a big country, and yet you picked Cleveland."

"(Voice on television) Midol relives the special pain that women get (Sylvia) when they realize they picked the wrong man, again."

"(Voice on television) Honey, I love you, but I got to be moving on. (Sylvia) Break his kneecaps."

"(Woman to psychic) Which do you think is the more impossible dream: the perfect man or the perfect handbag?"

"(Sylvia at typewriter) Common misunderstandings of young married couples. (Young husband to tearful wife) Jeannie, when I said that your dinner tasted like airplane food, that was meant as a compliment."

"(Woman psychic to woman client) So how come the tall, dark, handsome stranger I see in your future is a woman?"

"(Man at dinner table) Bet you don't know what a male swan is called. (Woman at dinner table) Sure I do. A swine."

"(Voice on television) Mom, can a douche make you feel more confident? (Sylvia) Not like a good stock portfolio."

"(Sylvia at typewriter) The best place to discuss your sexual dissatisfaction with your partner is 1) in the bedroom 2) in a car, traveling at high speed 3) in a crowded elevator."

"(Sylvia to her daughter) Rita, your body may be a temple. Mine is a Chevy Vega."

"(Doctor in bed) I dreamt I died and went to Heaven and they handed me some old Ms. magazines, a paper sheet, and made me sit in a little room with a bunch of other doctors."

"(Sylvia at typewriter) For feminine protection, every day use a hand grenade."

"(Sylvia to character in book she is reading, Death by) Get out of that tub! Get in your car and get out of there! (Character) Suddenly I felt compelled to get out of that tub and out of that motel. I dressed and hopped in my car. Later I stopped for gas, and met a great guy. We got married and raise cocker spaniels."

"(Cartoon title) A cat being cured of hairballs through a television ministry. (Voice on television) Place your right paw on the screen."

"(Cartoon title) Don't throw that old diaphragm away! (Sylvia at typewriter) Because it can be used as: 1. Doorknob cover (no need to worry about fingerprints ever again) 2. Bathtub stopper 3) Rainhat for cat 4. Small frisbee."

"(Sylvia at typewriter) A lady never offers a new lover a complimentary tooth brush, razor and sewing kit the next morning."

"(Woman sitting by swimming pool) To me the most important quality in a kitchen is that it be in someone else's house, or in a restaurant."

"(Devil describes Hell) It's like you go to a Van Halen concert and you're the oldest one there, and there's a mix-up in the tickets, and you have to stand for the whole thing and it's hot and the kid next to you loses his lunch on your shoe. . . . I know. You thought it was going to be witty and Noel Cowardish."

"(Sylvia driving to nervous passenger Venusian Gernif) Don't be silly. You're not going to be the first interplanetary traveler to die in a Chevy."

"(Young girl rejecting Devil's attempt to purchase her soul) Bag your face. . . . You set off the smoke detector, ham breath. **(p. 142)"

"(Man in bar) I like an older woman. (Sylvia) I'll pass that along."

"(Sylvia at typewriter) In the heat of the moment, I said a lot of unforgiveable things. Please call me. I've thought of a few more."

"(Man on television) The investment firm of Smith Barney: they make money the old-fashioned way--they earn it. (Sylvia) Right. The rest of us pick it off trees in the backyard."

"(Television) Our station is experiencing technical difficulties, so please try and amuse yourselves in whatever way you did before you became so emotionally dependent on us."

"(Television) Being a woman is as much a state of mind as a state of being. (Sylvia) Right. You stop paying attention, you might turn into a tuna."

"(Man on television) Man is the hunter. Woman is the civilizing influence, and when women abandon that role, men become (Sylvia) Cranky, and start wars."

"(Sylvia) Being a monopoly means never having to say you're sorry."

"(Woman on television) Frank, Frank, make me feel like a woman. (Man on television) Could you pick up my laundry?"

"(Man on television) Rita, you must believe me, alien beings are among us. (Sylvia) Yeah, in public office."

"(Sylvia at typewriter) "Superwoman." The definition is 1. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to fight evil. 2. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to combine a family and a career. (p. 184)"

"(Woman in office) Help, I am a rich woman being kept prisoner in a working woman's body. (p. 196)"

"(Man in suit to Indian woman) Oh guru, ancient mother of the world, we men have been crippled. We have never learned how to feel; we don't even know how to cry. Oh my wise guru, can you teach me to cry? (Guru) Sure. No problem. Tomorrow I'll start you at a dead-end job, pay you at women's wages and then I'll throw in sole support of a pre-school child."

"(Man on television) If women want time off to bear children, they can't expect to be treated as equals. (Sylvia) Okay, give men time off to bear children."

"(Television) Women hold up half the sky. (Sylvia) Uh huh, but in a poor neighborhood."

"(Streetwalker to friend) First he wants me to put on bunny ears and patent leather shoes, then he wants me to eat a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. I go, "Mister, you are so sick. I don't do nitrites."

"(Man in bar) Can you imagine a world without men? (Sylvia) No crime, and lots of happy, fat women."

"(Bartender Harry) What's your ethnic background? (Sylvia) Woman."

"(Sylvia) I'm planning to live fast, die young, and make a good looking corpse. (Bartender Harry) I think you're off schedule. (p. 216)"

"(Man at bar) You know the kind of woman I could really go for? . . . Someone intelligent, witty, passionate about her work, totally involved in life, and willing to give it all up for me."

"(Sylvia to Venusian Gernif): What would happen if you wore a dress? Well, some people would invite you to parties. And some people would attempt to beat you to death."

"(Television) There's a special feeling about being a woman. You do so much for everyone around you. But some days (Sylvia) You realize you've been had."

"(Sylvia) A really good haircut is as effective in changing one’s life as A) 3 months of psychotherapy. B) 6 months of psychotherapy."

"(Television) Angry women beat up shoe salesman who posed as gynecologist. (Sylvia) I hate guys who do that."

"(Sylvia) The experienced traveler always flies first class so that when the engine falls off the plane, she’s drinking champagne."

"(Pilot’s voice on airplane public address system) Geez, I’m sorry about that landing. . . . Why don’t I just go up and try again? (p. 52)"

"(Sylvia) Things you can do when you’re a grown-up: . . . .3) Default on a home equity loan and lose everything. (p. 57)"

"(Woman psychic) In June of 1987, men will begin talking about their feelings; women all over America will be sorry within minutes."