Neil Simon

"Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage…Like two out of every ten couples."

"And so she lived ... hopefully ... ever after."

"Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money."

"You're welcome to take a bath. You look like the second week of the garbage strike."

"If I had to make one comparison, I'd say that when it's five below in New York, it's 78 in Los Angeles, and when it's 110 in New York, it's 78 in Los Angeles; but there are 2,000,000 interesting people in New York–and only 78 in Los Angeles. There may be a hell of a lot more, but it's hard to find them."

"People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?"

"Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life."

"A writer without confidence is like a metaphor without something to compare itself to."

"If you can go through life without ever experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet. And if you've gone through pain and think you know exactly why, you haven't examined all the options."

"Neil Simon strikes me less as the new Moliere than as a rattier Rattigan."