Markiplier

"[to his phone] "Shaddup!" [groaning, then laughing] "...It's my mom!""

"[after finally pushing his first chair; pauses] "...OH, COME ON! How was I supposed to [know I had to] do that?! You son of a bitch!""

"If there was just - just - a purple monster sitting in a corner, waiting for me to walk over it, I would shit myself dry. I would absolutely lose all control of my bowels!"

"Why is this good? Why bruh... this good?" [Ao Oni bursts in.] "AAGH - ! …What the hell?! How was I supposed to do anything?! What was that?!"

"Oh, if that blue bastard, is just stickin' around -" [find a candle stand, which startles him] *gasp* "...That's new!"

"[begins the game; gets startled by the enemy character flying away from him] "Okay—UH! …Well, that startled the crap outta me.""

"'Get Back And Do Your Job'. How 'bout you go fornicate yourself with a rake?"

"! ...What was that?! What the hell was that?! What did you just throw at me?! ...[I] wasn't ready for that! Jeezus! Calm down!"

"That guy was, like, in full body armor! How'd they kill him?"

"…Well! Glad you're being so polite about this. You're very civil—oh my god! I didn't blo[ck]… I didn't mean to look down! Ugh! They're naked! They are sooo naked! Oh my god!"

"Little piggy no no little piggy go home!"

"'Oh my god, you stabbed her! You killed her! HELP! HE KILLED HER! HE STABBED HER WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE!' …I'm very sorry."

"'Press Control to calm yourself'." [breathes and presses Control key] "Oh, that just crouches me. How does that calm myself?"

"Oh my god, that is so morbid!"

"Good god! Don't do that to me! I'm not in a disposition to handle that - wait a minute. …Uh… Lady…? Are you… Are you that lady, but in ghost -" [Cell phone in background] "Shut up; I don't have time for this!"

"Oh my god…! That was incredibly loud!"

"That scared the buhjeezus outta me!"

"Aauuh, I don't wanna kill the kid!" … "Aw, that's so sad! I'm not gonna kill him. Well, I'm not gonna kill him first, anyway."

"What is that? Is that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ?" [gets closer] "Oh, no. I saw that thing; it looked like a giant, white box-head."

"Nonononono…! You don't see anything…"

"[when the ghost woman appears behind him] "WWWWhoa-kay, back up there, lady…""

"…Dammit, where the hell are these guys? They're nowhere to be found."

"Jeezus, lady, you need to stop that right now. I do not take kindly to that…! You're being very creepy…!"

"[when he finally attacks the child] "No - aw, no, no, no! Aw, no! Auh, I feel so bad! But remember, guys: this is just a game…" [nerves himself, then puts the child out of his misery, to put it bluntly; palms his forehead in shame] "Nhhhh… That's awful!" [turns to find the ghost woman standing behind him again] "Jeezus! Stop that, lady!""

"Damnit, I turned up your mike! Why did I turn it up?!"

"Okay, that thing is gone. I think, I hope—" [ROAR-ing noise] "NO, IT'S NOT! AHHHHH!"

"…Why are you just there?"

"And now it says 'press B to blow.' Really?"

"If I can't powerwash a cat, I'm out."

""You got a stinky butt butt." Wow, thanks, that's really appreciated. I can think of a lot of logical explainations for why I got that text, like sure, maybe someone's kid got the message, but also, I know people in my life that would just text me that out of the blue, so I'm not gonna chalk it up to a kid automatically doing that."

"A lot of people try to boil down creation to just one thing and "what are you gonna do next" as if there's always a ladder to climb and it's like, the ladder is what you make for yourself, right?"

"Nothing like washing helicopter dicks to make your day a little brighter."