Mad (magazine)

"Most people don't mind a hard day's work — just as long as they're not in that day. (#383 – 07/1999)"

"Most wives are like ventriloquists — they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking. (#398 – 10/2000)"

"Every dog has its day, but in dog years that's like a whole week. (#373 – 09/1998)"

"When it comes to personal conduct, always set the bar high — it makes it much easier to sneak underneath. (#382 – 06/1999)"

"Whoever said "Talk is cheap" never dialed a 1-900 number. (#390 – 02/2000)"

"Many a good egg ends up getting beaten. (#397 – 09/2000)"

"Remember — The Post Office will not deliver mail without postage. And sometimes, even with. (#367 – 03/1998)"

"There's more than one way to skin a cat, though you probably won't even need the one. (#372 – 08/1998)"

"Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to Traffic Court. (#376 – 12/1998)"

"Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than reading them. (#380 – 04/1999)"

"Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree. (#386 – 10/1999)"

"The reason most people talk to themselves is because they're often the only ones who will listen. (#389 – 01/2000)"

"Too many people think the best way to get a leg up on their finances is to look for a hand out. (#393 – 05/2000)"

"If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning. (#396 – 08/2000)"

"The clearest digital signal is still flipping someone the bird. (#364 – 12/1997)"

"If medicine isn't an exact science, how come they always know how much to charge you? (#366 – 02/1998)"

"A couch potato follows the path of least existence. (#369 – 05/1998)"

"Too many movies today have a beginning, a muddle and an end. (#370 – 06/1998)"

"At one time or another, everybody plays the fool. But some people are typecast for life. (#374 – 10/1998)"

"The psychiatrist's office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean. (#375 – 11/1998)"

"You can't hurry love — but you can move up the wedding to accommodate the baby's arrival. (#377 – 01/1999)"

"Any dentist who says "This won't hurt a bit" is lying through your teeth. (#379 – 03/1999)"

"On their deathbed, no one ever wished they had spent more time at the office — or on their deathbed, for that matter. (#384 – 08/1999)"

"Put 1,000 writers in a room for 1,000 days and one will come up with a story about monkeys writing Hamlet. (#385 – 09/1999)"

"Parents treat their kids like teeth — they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done. (#387 – 11/1999)"

"If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they'd ask for it. (#388 – 12/1999)"

"People who live in glass houses should look like Sharon Stone. (#391 – 03/2000)"

"All lawyers are cut from the same cloth — fleece. (#392 – 04/2000)"

"Americans are the only people looking for a short cut to the quick fix. (#394 – 06/2000)"

"The problem with our economy is that our budget is balanced by people who aren't. (#395 – 07/2000)"

"Most doctors' gains are ill-gotten. (#362 – 10/1997)"

"The problem with our economy is that our budget is supposed to be balanced by people who aren't. (#363 – 11/1997)"

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. There are also very few archery contests. (#365 – 01/1998)"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? (#345 – 05/1996)"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents were much cheaper. (#347 – 07/1996)"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa. (#348 – 08/1996)"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation. (#349 – 09/1996)"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement. (#350 – 10/1996)"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated. (#351 – 11/1996)"

"Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many Americans' sleeping arrangements. (#352 – 12/1996)"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime. (#353 – 01/1997)"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease. (#354 – 02/1997)"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door. (#355 – 03/1997)"

"Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time. (#356 – 04/1997)"

"A call girl is a lady who isn't free for the night. (#357 – 05/1997)"

"A psychiatrist is someone who hopefully finds out what makes a person tick before they explode. (#358 – 06/1997)"

"A bore is somebody who interrupts your fifth story with one of his own. (#359 – 07/1997)"

"Most people who ask for a minute of your time have trouble timing a minute. (#360 – 08/1997)"

"In Hollywood these days, what's coming out isn't as interesting as who's coming out. (#361 – 09/1997)"

"With current divorce rates, it seems that often times the honeymoon is over before the honeymoon is over. (#399 – 11/2000)"