Joan Rivers

"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."

"[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?"

"[Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!"

"Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?"

"Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer."

"I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir.""

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up."

"Two is company; three is fifty bucks."

"Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear."

"Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty."

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."

"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"

"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

"You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."

"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again."

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

"No one loved life, laughter and a good time more than Joan. We would have dinner and laugh and gossip and I always left the table smiling. She was a brassy, often outrageous and hilarious performer who made millions laugh. In private, she was the picture of elegance and class. I will miss her."