Chasing Amy

"This is all going to end badly."

"All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'."

"I feel a hate crime coming on."

"[to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?"

"Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!"

"What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?"

"I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy!"

"I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak!"

"Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories."

"It's not who you love, it's how."

"If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened."

"Look, man, we miss this [train], and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz."

"I love you…I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But—I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't—I can't look into your eyes without feeling that—that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.And I know, this will probably queer our friendship—no pun intended—but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But, God, I just—I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something, too. And all I ask, please, is that you just—you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which—while I do appreciate it—I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."

"[on the phone with Holden after she paged him] One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch."

"Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!"

"I love you, I always will. Know that. [slaps Holden] But I'm not your fucking whore."

"[pointing at Holden] See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man."

"Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, ain't nobody supportin' my ass."

"All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex."

"Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat…he was the king of queen Archie's world."

"You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money.""

"[to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass."

"Sex is easy. Love is hard."

"Finally, a comedy that tells it like it feels."

"Ben Affleck - Holden McNeil"

"Joey Lauren Adams - Alyssa Jones"

"Jason Lee - Banky Edwards"

"Dwight Ewell - Hooper X"

"Jason Mewes - Jay"

"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"

"Casey Affleck - Little Kid"

"Guinevere Turner - Singer"

"Carmen Lee - Kim"

"Brian O'Halloran - Jim Hicks - Executive #1"

"Matt Damon - Shawn Oran - Executive #2"

"Ethan Suplee - Fan"

"Scott Mosier - Collector"