Beyond the Fringe

"Now I can see one or two of you are thinking, now look here, what if one of our American friends makes a boo-boo, presses the wrong button, and sends up one of their missiles by mistake? It could not happen. You see, before they press that button they've got to get on the telephone to number 10 Downing Street, and say, "Now look, Mr. Macmillan, Sir, can I press this button?" And Mr. Macmillan will say "yes" — or "no" — as the mood takes him."

"Life, you know, is rather like opening a tin of sardines. We are all of us looking for the key. And, I wonder, how many of you here tonight have wasted years of your lives looking behind the kitchen dressers of this life for that key."

"Others think they've found the key, don't they? They roll back the lid of the sardine tin of life, they reveal the sardines, the riches of life, therein, and they get them out, they enjoy them. But, you know, there's always a little bit in the corner you can't get out. I wonder — I wonder, is there a little bit in the corner of your life? I know there is in mine."

"I'd like to make one thing quite clear at the outset. When you speak of a "train robbery", this in fact involved no loss of train."

"I went first to Germany, and there I spoke with the German Foreign Minister, Herr...Herr and there, and we exchanged many frank words in our respective languages; so precious little came of that in the way of understanding. I would, however, emphasise that the little that came of it was indeed, truly, precious."

"That is not to say that we do not have our own Nuclear Striking Force — we do, we have the Blue Steel; a very effective missile, as it has a range of one hundred and fifty miles, which means that we can just about get Paris — and, by God, we will."

"Now, we shall receive four minutes warning of any impending nuclear attack. Some people have said, "Oh my goodness me — four minutes? — that is not a very long time!" Well, I would remind those doubters that some people in this great country of ours can run a mile in four minutes."

"Yes, I could have been a judge but I never had the Latin, never had the Latin for the judging, I just never had sufficient of it to get through the rigorous judging exams."

"I managed to get through the mining exams — they're not very rigorous, they only ask one question, they say, "What is your name?", and I got 50 per cent on that."

"I am very interested in the Universe — I am specialising in the Universe and all that surrounds it."

"The young lady who modelled for Constable was Alice Lauderdale, who was the young lady who came in and did for Constable — practically any woman would do for Constable. She, in any case, used to come in and dust around in the nude, and Constable would get her down on the canvas and immortalise her. As you see, in most of his paintings of Alice he has been forced to disguise her as arable land."

"The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said, "A lovely leg for the role." I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you."

"There's that marvellous unpunctuated motto over the lavatory saying, "Gentlemen lift the seat". What exactly does this mean? Is it a sociological description — a definition of a gentleman which I can either take or leave? Or perhaps it's a Loyal Toast? It could be a blunt military order, or an invitation to upper-class larceny."

"In fact, I'm not really a Jew, just Jew-ish. Not the whole hog, you know."

"Please, don't call me "vicar". Call me Dick. That's the sort of vicar I am."