Ben Dirs

"Umpire Billy Bowden is decked by a Jones sweep! How marvellous...I mean what a choker...A sweetly-timed shot by the England batsman, which strikes Bowden on the hip, sending sunnies and walkie-talkie flying. Shame for Jones, that was going for four. Bowden will have secretly loved that, the old drama tart."

"Having seen the replay, I think Steve Bucknor was right. I like Bucknor, in fact, he might be my only friend."

"Embarrassing cricket tales. When I was about 14, my school team played against a school called Langdon, somewhere or other in the wilds of East London. They batted first and racked up 180-3 off 20 overs. We got 13. My PE teacher called it the most humiliating day of his life. Years later, he got done for sex offences. I wonder what he thinks now."

"Hayden hits his fourth four of the over off the final ball, riding a dreamy steer through the covers. Boom boom boom let me hear you say way-ooh."

"Monty went beserk, like a toddler who's just been told he can't have a Happy Meal."

"Oof! McCullum kerplunks a fuller Sidebottom delivery for what looks a certain four until it smashes into Gillespie's, erm, mummy-daddy button at the non-striker's end and he is denied a run. That had to hurt. Gillespie turns down the opportunity to have it treated by the Kiwi physio - perhaps he's not his type."

"A well-deserved standing ovation from the Lord's faithful and what can you say about any Collingwood innings? Nuggety, earthy, gritty. All hail Ross Kemp - give that man his own cop show on ITV."

"Vaughan is lurking in the dressing room gloom like some mad woman spying into her next door neighbours' garden."

"Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if he's just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife."

"Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the middle - "I bless the rains down in Africa!" - smashing. My favourite Toto number is Rosanna. I used to go out with someone called Rosanna. Her mum looked like Cher."

"Colly doing a good, no-frills, manful job for England here, just one from the over. He is to cricket what Jim Taggart is to detective work."

"Just two from the over, Anderson tighter than Andy Fordham's watch strap."

"I like Monty, I'd like to sit with my arm round him on the sofa all night watching documentaries on BBC Four."

"Murali is really struggling out there, he looked like Heather Mills McCartney making her way to bed from her en suite bathroom fielding down at fine-leg."

"Anyone seen Kaka's wife? Funnily enough, she's a complete sort. She's the sort of woman who, if she looked you in the eye in a bar and asked you where the fag machine was, you'd start giggling and snort."

"I've got a horrible feeling that if United do do the business tonight, Scholes won't be on the pitch in Athens. He may well be the best player England have produced for the last 15 years, but he has all the tackling ability of a granny on roller skates."

"There's Jamie Murray in the crowd - I assume that's his woman, otherwise her actual boyfriend might be extremely irate."

"I'd imagine Janowicz is a fine lover - a big, bear of a man but with the hands of a miniature portrait painter."