"[to Elyse and Stifler] Let me see if I have this straight. Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic older brother. And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight, geeky prude who needs to, uh, loosen up a bit and get laid. [To Elyse] Excuse the expression, dear. Is that close to being on the money?"

"We didn't have MTV when I was growing up. So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we live in that causes young men to stick their... instruments in such... odd places. I knew a certain young man once who actually engaged in sexual congress with an apple pie, and he turned out just fine. So, uhh... you're perfectly normal."

"You know you're like your brother Steve? And I don't think those are the shoes you should be so eager to fill. You know the people Steve thought were his friends? Really didn't like him very much. But I think you're different. I think people wanna like you, Matt, you just make it really hard."

"This One Time at Band Camp…"

"Tad Hilgenbrinck - Matthew "Matt" Stifler"

"Arielle Kebbel - Elyse Houston"

"Eugene Levy - Noah Levenstein (aka "Jim's Dad")"

"Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman"

"Matt Barr - Brandon Vandercamp"

"Jun Hee Lee - James Chong"

"Jason Earles - Ernie Kaplowitz"

"Crystle Lightning - Chloe"

"Omar Benson Miller - Oscar"

"Lauren C. Mayhew - Arianna"

"Angela Little - Sheree"

"Rachel Veltri - Dani"

"Dossett March - Andy"

"Lily Mariye - Dr. Susan Choi"

"Ginger Lynn - Camp Nurse Sanders"

"Richard Keith - Trading Card Bandie"

"Jennifer Walcott - Bathroom Girl"

"Matthew Herb - Shower Guy"

"Joe Phua as Band Camp Student (uncredited)"