A. P. Herbert

"The Farmer will never be happy again; He carries his heart in his boots; For either the rain is destroying his grain Or the drought is destroying his roots."

"For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin."

"Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there."

"As my poor father used to say In 1863, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee! And what my father used to say Is good enough for me."

"Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much."

"The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax, But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax."

"Bus driver, bus driver, the sirens have gone, The bombs may come down, but the buses go on; Bus driver, I know you won't think me a snobIf I whisper: "Bus driver, I don't want your job"."

"How proud upon your quarterdeck you stand, Conductor, Captain of the mighty bus! Like some Columbus you survey the Strand,A calm newcomer in a sea of fuss."

"Nobody's wrong but England – and England's always wrong, Too late – or else too early – too soft – or else too strong. And when for once the wide world begins to praise her name Her own sons crowd and hurry to shout her back to shame."

"The race is run - the winner wears the laurels, But you and I not empty go away; For we have seen the least unkind of quarrels; The young men glowing in the friendly way. Let us be glad - but not because of winning, Let us go home, to family today. God make our Games a glorious beginning, And hand in hand, together guide us on our way."

"There's alcohol in plant and tree. It must be Nature's plan That there should be in fair degree Some alcohol in Man."

"The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity Are constructed with considerable care."

"Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable."

"It is like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock, which not only is itself discredited but casts a shade of doubt over all previous assertions."

"It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is."

"People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament."

"A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso."

"A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist."

"The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time."

"The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose. He does not play cricket because it is a good game, but because it creates good citizens. He does not love motor-races for their own sake, but for the advantages they bring to the engineering firms of his country. And it is common knowledge that the devoted persons who conduct and regularly attend horse-races do not do so because they like it, but for the benefit of the breed of the English horse."

"Was the cow crossed?" "No, your worship, it was an open cow."

"Justice should be cheap but judges expensive."

"The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance."

"Mr. Herbert's is one of the most interesting and moving English war books."

"This story of a valiant heart tested to destruction took rank when it was first published a few months after the Armistice, as one of the most moving of the novels produced by the war. It was at that time a little swept aside by the revulsion of the public mind from anything to do with the awful period just ended. But on rereading it nine years later it seems to hold its place, and indeed a permanent place, in war literature. It was one of those cries of pain wrung from the fighting troops by the prolonged and measureless torment through which they passed; and like the poems of Siegfried Sassoon should be read in each generation, so that men and women may rest under no illusion about what war means."

"It [The Secret Battle] is one of the most moving books I have ever read."

"The best book yet published about life in the trenches."

"This is the most riotous satire on legal procedure that has ever been written."