Billy Madison

"[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!"

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here."

"All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like."

"[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! [waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect] Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! [waves the shampoo bottle] Oh, really, fool?! [waves the conditioner bottle] Really! [then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Stop lookin' at me, swan!"

"Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?"

"He said "poop"!"

"[about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?"

"[singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!"

"[at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!"

"[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]"

"JUST DO IT!!"

"You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!"

"[after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!"

"Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?"

"[to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!"

"[drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!"

"[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!"

"What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?"

"Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"There's A New Name For Dumb."

"A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever."

"Adam Sandler as Billy Madison"

"Darren McGavin as Brian Madison"

"Bridgette Wilson as Veronica Vaughn"

"Bradley Whitford as Eric Gordon"

"Josh Mostel as Principal Max Anderson"

"Norm Macdonald as Frank"

"Mark Beltzman as Jack"

"Larry Hankin as Carl Alphonse"

"Theresa Merritt as Juanita"

"Dina Platias as Miss Lippy"

"Hrant Alianak as Pete"

"Vincent Marino as Cook"

"Jack Mather as Ted "Old Man" Clemens"

"Christopher Kelk as Rollo the Janitor"

"Marc Donato as Nodding 1st Grader"

"Keith Cole as Penguin"

"Chris Mei as Penguin"

"Conor Devitt as O'Doyle (Grade 1)"

"Jared Durand as Scotty Logan (Grade 1)"

"Jessica Nakamura as Tricia Labonte (Grade 1)"

"Helen Hughes as 2nd Grade Teacher"

"Jacelyn Holmes as 2nd Grade"

"Claire Celluci as Attractive Lady"

"Shane Farberman as Clown"

"Al Maini as Chauffeur"

"Jared Cook as Ernie (Grade 3)"

"Christian Matheson as O'Doyle (Grade 3)"