Ask a Ninja

"But me and trouble have two things in common: We love a challenge, and we hate to be alone on Tuesdays."

"If you have a weak stomach, or if most of the things you eat have "Mac" in front of them, you'd better change the channel. Because it's time for... Cooked to Death!"

"I look forward to plucking the sun from your universe and watching the cold of time and the void of space slowly dissolve the existence that was you... soon."

"As much as she scared the bejeebies out of me, I have to admit that she had legs to spare. About fourteen. I counted fourteen."

"How can anything be Ultimate if it doesn't involve a Ninja!"

"Used Fried Chicken"

"Bright green possibilities? How 'bout dark black guarantees."

"There once was a ninja from Nantucket. Who kept all his swords in a bucket. He started to spin and exclaimed with a grin, When I let this thing go you best duck it!"

"People have this romantic notion that, like, what they say at the very end is gonna be the most meaningful thing of their lives. If that is the case, most people's lives are summed up by screaming, wheezing, or saying some incoherent babble."

"I am going at this with the fury of a thousand sand-spewing desert bears!"

"I think if they were really ninjas, it would have been called Batman Ends!"

"I could do it right now, except that right now it's part of a move where I would be above both of you and I would pull out your brains."

"Unidentified Flying Cross-dressers"

"Unbelievably Flippin' Cool!"

"Some of the symptoms of Phase I include: sleeping in coffee cans, changing your name to a pronoun, like "he"...that they think is a lot sneakier if they're just like "He?" "Who's He?" "He's who?" "No, no!" "She's who." "Who's what?" "No!" "What's they!?" "They aren't even here anymore!""

"Um... A bunch of geeks in Maine?"

"Do ninjas write poetry or are they just murderous shadows of death, put on earth only to act against mankind?... Wow! I didn't realize those were the only two options."

"Flower, Pretty Flower. I stop to smell you, you take my nose away. Wait a minute!? Why are you so sharp!? You are not a flower. Now I have no nose. Face, Bloody Face."

"A club without the right direction is a misguided stick."

"I have experienced a lot of last words. More than most people, I would have to say."

"Vampires, they can't be seen in mirrors because they're enchanted, undead, and stupid. Ninjas can't be seen in mirrors because we're just so dang quick! We can break a mirror and then jump out of the way so that the seven years of bad luck hits somebody else."

"Wow, Greg! You really know how to ask the hard-hitting questions that the world needs answered. Or, at least the small portion of the world that makes up the nerdinjas that watch this show. Love you guys."

"There is nothing wrong with that pollution in London. That pollution is doing great. It's like a giant smoginja."

"How come you're drinkier when I'm funny?"

"If it weren't for us, America would be called South Canada."

"It's not that I don't trust him as a person, it's just I don't think he's a person."

"Unicorn Forensics Championships"

"Urban Frog Crew. They are a tough bunch of ribbitting rappers!"

"Uncooperative Freight Company"

"Underwater Forty Chuggers"

"Ninjas have been proven to be better then any Pirate. If you don't believe me, look it up on Google Fight. Google knows everything."

"Made possible by the Better Killing Through Education Fund & viewers like you."

"It's Phase III that the disease gets personal! It convinces the ninja that life itself is out to get it!"

"Life is no fun when you're hiding from existence itself!"

"I don't want to be a spoiler. I'll give you a hint. It starts with "nin" and it ends your life. Any guesses? No? It's a ninja!"

"Conflict: we got plenty of that. Resolution--well I think we all agree there can be only one. And the possibility of peace? It's still nonexistent."

"(After imitating Sean Penn) That is acting against mankind. Ninjas pursue mental, physical, and spiritual perfection. A very subtle difference, I see how you could have possibly made the mistake -- if you were, perhaps, a cup of dirt."

"Sometimes the shorter the poem the better, try this one out for size: Black black black black black black black black black black black black...death."

"Silly Sara was a zombie. Wacky, wild, weird, and wombie. She loved walking, she loved rain, she loved groaning, she loved brains!"

"This one here is an acrostic called shadow. Silent, Hanging, Asp, Dropping, Ouch!, Wathump!"

"And a leprechaun -- those little suckers are like Colin Farrell. They are little, obnoxious, and really good with women."

"Like a vampire? They are yappy."

"And you're just like, "Come on, Mom! There's Teddy Grahams that I want to eat! I don't like the old lady who smells like purple.""

"It has been scientifically proven that ponytails shut down the part of the brain that allows you to say things that are interesting or relevant."

"Hold the shuriken, blurken! I am way better looking than you!"

"Drop the ego, amigo! You're just a reflection."

"So when you hear someone say, "You're the apple of my eye," what they really mean is, "You're a great short-term solution to an annoying problem.""

"Read between the lines--because sometimes, there's a ninja there."

"I'd like to think that ninjas speak the international language of pain."

"But the recipe that I'm going to give you today is just for a good, common disaster. Here's the basic ingredients you're going to need. You're going to need a cup of the idea of chaos, not chaos. Now you're going to need about a half-pound of sliced trouble, as thin as you can get it sliced. And about a half-pound of sliced miscommunication. Now, you're also going to need one bearded man. Just any sized bearded man will do. Make sure that he's ripe."