"Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to …"

"Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!"

"Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someo…"

"I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog."

"We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can'…"

"Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continu…"

"There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked."

"Poos himself on stage, classic Billy"

"Don't vote, it just encourages them."

"I know at least... oh my God, at least 127 words. And I still prefer "Fuck"."