"[repeated line] There is something you should understand about the way I work. When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's quite sad really, but there it is."

"Adam Godley as the Vicar"

"Patrick Barlow as Mr. Jowls"

"Your children require 5 lessons."

"Some bout of influenza at Archway is carrying off all the old folks. Still, what's bad for them, good for us."

"[first lines] We must begin our story, sad to say with an empty chair. If it were not empty, we would not have a story. But it is. And we do. And it is time to tell it. This is the story of my family, of my seven children who were all very clever, but all very, very, very, naughty. [the 17th nanny screaming] This is nanny Whetstone. The 17th nanny I had hired to look after my children. She was the strictest, the toughest, and the most fearless nanny in all the land. As I went to work that day, at the funeral parlor, I was confident in the knowledge that there was nothing, absolutely nothing that my children could do to upset her. [she comes in and tells him something] (Nanny Whetstone: They've eaten the baby!!!) Except that."

"Take your hands off my children."

"I NEVER say "please"!"

"Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Oglington Fartworthy."

"You never listen! (runs off)"

"Papa's coming."

"(referring to Aunt Adelaide) No, she wanted me. I'll go."

"Let me not beat about the bush, Cedric. The problem with you is that you have too many children."

"If there's one thing I won't stand for, it's loose vowels."

"Will you just look at them? Aww. The little, small things."

"I am your mother now. (she breaks Aggie's rattle)"

"Typical of a man, sending his little ones to do the dirty work."

"Behave or Beware."

"You'll learn to love her... warts and all."