Actors From Cincinnati

"My personal way to be a hero... is to be a vegetarian."

"‘Be vegan’ and ‘make peace’ are fantastic four words to think about in daily life and in everything we do. Being vegan means to me that we not only eat healthy foods, but we have respect for all life on the planet. And that’s important. And ‘make peace,’ that’s important as well. Peace really has to start with us, individually. And then hopefully it will spread, and we emit that, so to speak, in our behavior in general and the things we do, whether it is private or work."

"You don't believe our government gangsta? Tell me what the Iraqi uniform look like. [short pause] Don't worry, I'll wait. We ain't killin' they army nigga, we killin' them. We over there killin' niggas in tank tops, sweatpants, flip-flops and a cowboy hat. You shouldn't have been talkin' shit."

"Never in the history of niggadom..."

"[Referring to marijuana dealers] Just soon they see you, just, "Nigga, nigga, nigga...nigga. You remember that shit I gave you last week, nigga? It's nothing, nigga. It's nothing. It's nothing, nigga. Nigga, it's nothing. This shit right here, nigga! This shit right here, nigga! Right here, this shit, nigga! This shit here, nigga!" Always has some fucked up name. "It's kryptachronicunnalite, nigga!" Always has some fucked up ass name. "Nigga, this shit here, nigga. This shit here, nigga. This shit's called Deaf, nigga." You be like, "Nigga, that don't even sound attractive. What the...You mean I'm gonna hit it and die, nigga? Is that what..." "No nigga, not Death, nigga, Deaf. You hit this shit twice, nigga, you can't hear shit!""

"I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies. This nigga sold me some shit, had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours. I'm just in the kitchen, sitting on the stove, just... [Sits on stool, blanking staring]... I bet you there ain't shit in there, nigga. I bet you...""

"You done got with us niggas--now you talking about, "You fucked up my self-esteem." Bitch, it's called SELF esteem! It's esteem of your mother-fuckin' SELF, Bitch!"

"Long as you been living, you ain't NEVER heard of a mother-fucker overdosin' on marijuana. You might-a thought that nigga was dead. He ain't dead. He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That's the side effects: hungry, happy, sleepy." That's it."

"We got our soldiers fighting gangsta niggas. Them terrorists is gangsta. How the fuck you gonna scare somebody that wanna die? Like: "I'll kill your mothafuckin ass." "Thank you very much." What the fuck? Ask any nigga who ever fought a crackhead. I don't give a fuck how good you think you can fight. You cannot beat a crackhead, nigga, you...[hits self with microphone, imitating a crackhead falling, gets right back up immediately] Crackheads wobble, but they don't fall down. Them mothafuckas'll fight you all night for $11."

"Every time, I say, "I will not be here when you get back." Just saying, we all need to be able to laugh. So for my white friends, here's something black you can laugh at. I've done the research. I'm pretty sure there's no coonery in there anywhere. I just know every time I see the shit, I fall on the ground laughing, almost pee myself. Okay, may be the funniest shit I ever seen. There is a commercial starring a nigga named Mutombo. Now... if you have not seen this commercial, you have not lived yet. Yet me say that. Now, if you don't know who Mutombo is, he used to play basketball, played for the NBA, maybe, like, in 1979 or some shit like that, but he was one of the greatest, known for blocking shots. That was his shit. Now they got this nigga just randomly running through white people's workplace, just randomly knocking shit out the air for no reason at all. Just, "No, no, no." What the fuck is that shit? "No, no, no." Every time I see that shit, I almost pee myself."

"Many times I been arrested, that might be the only thing I haven't tried. Stay tuned to TMZ. If I get pulled over one more motherfucking time, that's how the fuck I'm getting out of my car, just, "No, no, no. We already did this shit." Just saying, all got to be able to laugh."

"Motherfuckers thought that because I was raised homophobic, that might have meant I was homophobic. Wait a minute, motherfucker. Don't speak for me. I could tell you how the fuck I feel. Just 'cause I got an opinion don't mean shit. At the end of the motherfucking day, I thought we was talking about rights, and I thought they was human rights. I think they human rights, so if you a human, you deserve your motherfucking rights. The reason for that is I don't give a fuck what you are doing in your life, 'cause I'm too busy doing what the fuck I'm doing in my life. End quote. Yes, yes. Now, now, people thought that because I might have an opinion, that meant I was homophobic. No, no, no, no. Let me say... let me say publicly... let me say very publicly if there was a dude and I had some shit to say, that's not because I was homophobic, motherfucker! I'm not homophobic! I'm pro-pussy! There is a difference. I think you need to understand, I... I was trying to help. I wasn't coming from a place of hate. I thought some of them had made a mistake. I'm saying, if you try a vagina and it leads you to a life of asshole, wait a minute. If at first you don't succeed, sir, try, try again. What the... you must have got the wrong vagina. They are delicious. You should try another one. All of them are delicious, I think. But I realized... I realized it was a contradiction... because if you ask me about gay dudes, I have some shit to say, but if you ask me about lesbians, I don't have shit to say about lesbians. I've already had this conversation with Jesus. He know I love lesbians. I don't even think lesbians should pay taxes. I really don't. I think they are already taking care of two vaginas. Just saying. We can't afford to be judging all the time. Our life is too motherfucking hard as it is. You got to be able to just laugh some shit the fuck off. I just don't like when they try to force shit down our throats."

"The police is on some different shit. I know you noticed it here. I want you to know it's like that everywhere. The police is on some different shit. Now, I know it's some cops in here. We do not mean y'all. Y'all are doing a great job. We appreciate it. Just doing your job, keeping us safe out there, and thank you so much. It's the ones outside we talking about. They on some different shit. The police used to be serve and protect. Used to be you are presumed innocent until you are proven guilty. Police is on some different shit. They done figured out they can kill your ass today and come up with a story for the news tomorrow. They done figured that shit out, and they done got so good, they can show us the truth, and we can see the truth with our own eyes, and then they can lie to us at the same time and confuse us about the truth we just saw with our own eyes. Okay, the first time we all saw it was at the Boston Marathon bombing. Everybody was looking for the fake-ass, bullshit-ass terrorists. He had a four-day head start. He could have been anywhere. But we knew he was in the boat 'cause they told us he was in the boat from a helicopter. "That's him in the boat right there. That's him in the boat." Drew a picture around him. "That's him laying down at the bottom of the boat. That's..." Then they said, "The police are here. We going to back up, let the police go in and begin negotiations." And all we heard was... then they cut to commercial. By the time they came back, that motherfucker had 20 holes in his chest, a tunnel in his throat. The next day, they say, "He was in a gunfight... but he didn't have a gun." Ask a nigga, that is not a gunfight. That's a drive-by right there. That's... that's an execution you got caught in. Second time we saw it... second time we saw it was in LA when they was looking for the ex-black cop, Christopher Dorner. That was some scary shit. They wanted that nigga bad. Let me just tell you I was in LA at the time, and let me just say you do not want to be a nigga when they are looking for niggas. That was some scary shit. I didn't realize how much of my time I spent being black till I had to try to drive white for two days. I'm all up on the steering wheel. Them motherfuckers wanted that nigga bad! They shot up two Hispanic women in a pickup truck delivering newspapers at 4:30 in the morning looking for a nigga. Wait a minute. That is too early and too late for niggas. We not fixing to be nowhere at 4:30 in the morning, not even if we supposed to be. But we knew he was in the cabin 'cause they told us he was in the cabin. "He's in the cabin. The police have him completely surrounded. There's nowhere for him to go. We're going to back up, let the police go in and begin negotiations." And all we saw was, "Get that motherfucker!" Then they said, "It looks like he committed suicide." They just barbecued this nigga on national TV. I know the police is on some different shit. You don't have to tell me. I found out the hard way."

"They did some shit to me I didn't even know they was allowed to do. I knew they could take a nigga to jail. I thought that was it. These motherfuckers put me in a real mental institution with real crazy people. What the fuck?! I might have thought I was crazy till you put me in here with the real crazy motherfuckers. Now I know I'm sane as shit. You ain't lived till you try to break up a fight with a motherfucker and hisself. "Fuck you, nigga. Fuck you." "One of y'all is right. That's all I'm trying to say. I ain't trying to be in your business or nothing." It's fucked up. Here the fuck I tell jokes for a living. These motherfuckers got me handcuffed to a nigga who's scraping demons out his face. He... I'm over there like, "Jesus, this is your humble servant, Lord. There's clearly been a miscommunication, Jesus. Just saying this burden is a little bit too heavy for your servant, Lord. If you could just remove this boulder off a nigga's back, Jesus, I'd really appreciate it, Lord. I'm just... I'm just saying, Jesus, my cup runneth over, Lord, is what I'm saying, and, thing is, I ain't even thirsty, Jesus, not a little bit. You can take this whole cup, the pitcher, the carafe, all of it, Jesus." Fucked up. You in that motherfucker, and all you thinking is, "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, and there ain't shit going to make me stay in this son of a bitch." But they got some medication in the crazy house that will put an elephant on his back. And I don't know if you can see from your chair, but I'm not even a baby elephant, and they still gave me the whole elephant's pill. I have a trunk, but I am no elephant. They had me on five, six medications at one motherfucking time, just trying to break a nigga. They had me on some shit named Seroquel. I don't know what the fuck is in Seroquel, but I think Satan's penis is in it, I really do, because it's from Hell. That shit... if you whisper "Seroquel" to me, I become a different nigga. Just... Seroquel. I'm just trying to find my happy place. I love these soft-ass pants. It's fucked up. I got out that motherfucker. I said I'm going to fix every motherfucking thing that's wrong with me. I'm going to fucking get all my shit together. That's when I realized you can't even trust simple shit. We used to think our doctor gave a fuck about us. We used to think our doctor wanted us to get better so we would be better. Our doctor don't give a fuck about us. That motherfucker is making money, and that is it. He is a drug dealer just like the drug dealers. Ain't no motherfucking difference. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. 'Cause the medicine commercials have really gone over the top. They don't even give a fuck about us as people any- motherfucking-more. Do you remember when they used to at least have the common decency to whisper the side effect at the end of the... you could barely hear the fucked-up shit that could possibly happen to you. They just, "Possible side effects are... Now these motherfuckers say the motherfucking side effect so motherfucking loud and proud, you forget what the fuck they were supposed to be curing in the first place. And they just keep going and going, just... "Are you tired of hangnails ruining your life? Well, just take this simple pill, and in two weeks, you'll be jumping rope and running back to usual. Possible side effects are loss of the rest of your toes, fucked-up ankles, dislocated kneecaps, separation of thigh meat, hip dysplasia, innie-outie belly button, female breasts. If you have two Adam's apples, if your chin falls off, if you go blind or deaf for any reason..." What the fuck?! Just cut my goddamn toe off, bitch. I got shit to do! Just saying you got to try whatever you can."

"If you in a relationship, you can't afford to take that shit for granted, 'cause you don't know when bullshit going to happen, and you need somebody that you can post the fuck up with in times of trouble. I didn't know you could stay single too long. Nobody fucking told me that. I fucked around, stayed single so long, now I'm in the gray area. I'm in the gray area. I didn't even know there was a gray area. I stayed single too long. Everybody I fuck, she's either too young or she's too motherfucking old. If she's too young, she's a greedy rabbit. If she's too old, she's a needy fish. Both of 'em got different shit. If she too young, you know she too young. How do you know? She is doing everything she ever saw on any porno on your nonporno dick. Shit that has nothing to do with sex at all. She just... Fellas, have you ever been fucking her, and she too young, and you realize halfway through this is not a fuck, this is a fight? She don't give a fuck about your pelvis at all. Fellas, you ever had her knock you off your pivot foot? She just... A greedy rabbit. Both of 'em talk too much. But at least the greedy rabbit is saying inspirational, motivational shit to the dick. She just, [Repeatedly] "Yes.., that's good. All right. That's good. Right. [Repeatedly] Yes..." The old one talk too much too... but you can't understand shit she saying. When you do, it's going to scare the shit out of you. She just, "Raah. Raah. Eh, glory. Ah, Jes... hah. Ah, hot water, corn bread. Ah-hah." She's too old. She's a needy fish. Got to pay attention to her. They ain't like a young one. As a fella, you just used to showing up at the battlefield... unsheathing your sword, and jumping right into the battle. Not if she too old. No, you got to watch her. You used to being able to just watch her face and know how you doing. Not if she too old, 'cause you don't know none of her faces. She fixing to come and die with the same face. How the fuck am I supposed to know? She just... Just saying, they're both different. I stayed single too motherfucking long, and the world is beginning to change. And I been hearing ladies think motherfuckers have changed as it comes to them. Ladies, I can't speak for all men in attendance today, but I can speak for all heterosexual men in attendance today, and, ladies, let me say nothing between men and women has changed at all. We love y'all now the same way we have always loved y'all. We put pussy above everything on Earth, same as usual. Pussy, then the rest of it, that's how it goes. Pussy's so good, we don't even have good reasons for it. Pussy is delicious... because it has pussy in it. That's been good enough for men for thousands of years. And as men, we hate to see pussy get attacked. We all as men remember where we were last year when we saw pussy get attacked for the first time, when Michael Douglas got on TV and said he caught throat cancer from eating pussy. Every man in the world stopped in front of his TV, like, "What the fuck, Michael Douglas?! Don't throw pussy under the bus, you son of a bitch. Say you were smoking Cuban cigars and sucking dick, you motherfucker." Life is already too hard as it is. You can't die from eating pussy. That's in Revelations. You already embarrassed to eat the box for the first time as it is. Now this bitch done got a hair in my throat. I thought she was trying to assassinate me. I... "Agh. Ah, you dirty bitch. Agh. Agh, I can't believe you brought that smoky-ass uterus over here, bitch. Agh. Ah, I feel a tumor in my throat already, bitch. Agh." In conclusion... when we leave this building, the police is going to be out there. The people that... the people that hate you not because you better than them, but because you try harder than them and you work harder than them, and you care more than they do... those people are outside, and... and the people that say even if you doing good, you is fixing to fuck up, them people are outside. And the people that see you fucked up and go, "I bet you don't come back," they outside too. But what's in here is people that know no matter how shit looks, the real shit is going to be the real shit as long as real shit is valuable. Because everybody in the world has a price, because if you didn't, you'd be priceless. This is to the motherfuckers who cannot be bought, but can be fought. Y'all been all that. [Proceeds to give thanks to producers and bid the audience good night]"

"My favorite show for two years in a motherfucking row is still motherfucking "Swamp People". That is my shit! Oh, my God! If you have not seen this shit, you have not lived yet! It's some beautiful shit! I think I just like seeing minor... rednecks in their natural environment, not killing minorities. I think that's what it is. I love this shit. I watch every episode, but I don't know why, because every episode is exactly... [audience yells; "the same!"] ...like the last goddamn episode. They don't change shit. Every episode start with a man in a boat going nowhere fast as shit. He just... And he's saying some shit you can't fucking understand. And then you accidentally understand some of the shit, and it scares the shit out of you. He just... "We got to go out there and get him, boy. We got to go out there and get him, boy. We don't go out there and get him, he ain't going to get hisself." "Nah, I guess he ain't going to get hisself. I guess that makes perfectly good sense." And these white men get out there in that swamp, and they are catching 700-, 800-pound alligators. And that's not the part, minorities. They are catching these alligators with their hands! That's right. Look at the niggas. Don't even believe me. With their real hands. Not a weapon. Not a stick. None of that. Stick their real hands in the water to get the alligator. Black people is at the house, like, "Don't stick your hand in there! There's an alligator in that son of a bitch." But when you see... you see that white man reach up out that motherfucking boat, grab that motherfucking alligator line, the whole show, just... [repeatedly] "shoot him, Billy Bob, shoot him! Shoot..." Then the whole show just flips. Now they showing it from underwater, and it's muddy and bubbling and shit, like the alligator has a camera on his head. And he's in the show too. And then they cut to commercial."

"Those mothafuckas is gangstas. They don't be bluffin' neither. We be thinkin' they bluffin', they won't be bluffin'. They'll be right there on National TV just... [in a stereotypical Iraqi accent] "If you are not do, what we are for say to do, tomorrow at Twelve o'clock, we're going to cut off his head." We be at the house like, [takes puff of blunt] "That's some bullshit, ain't nobody gonna cut off a mothafuckin head on National TV." Very next day at 11:59 they just" [covers the lower half of his face with his jacket, looks at the watch and knocks the mic-stand over as if beheading someone]. We be like "Shit! Play it again, play it again! SHIT!" Them mothafuckas, we can't be bullshiting with them. We gotta get our soldiers away from them mothafuckas."