Wilson Mizner

"Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest."

"When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."

"Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore."

"Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education."

"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something."

"Be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet them on the way down."

"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions."

"Harry Thaw shot the wrong architect."

"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady."

"...a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat."

"It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner."

"The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more."

"Stop dying. Am trying to write a comedy."

"Tell 'em to count to ten over him and he'll get up."

"I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets."

"You can't be a rascal for 40 years and then cop a plea the last minute. God keeps better books than that."

"Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother."

"America's most fascinating outlaw."

"That man was so much larger than life that there's no scale by which to measure him. Most of Wilson's dialogue, if put down on paper, seems either vulgar or obscene."