Wild Wild West

"[introducing himself to Miss East] West... Jim West."

"Nitro?! THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU TRANSPORT NITRO!"

"[revealing himself to be a U.S. Marshal after disguising himself as a courtesan and being called 'lady' by Jim West] I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S. Marshal!"

"[upon being caught impersonating U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant by Grant himself] President Grant... Sir, these are perilous times. I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir."

"Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost. It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive anyway. [chuckles for a bit] We may have lost the war, but Heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No... not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, 35 feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce, all in the name of the South, DO WE EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!"

"[addressing foreign dignitaries at Spider Canyon] Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all and tell you that the wrongs will be righted...the past made present... the United, Divided! [unveils map of a partitioned US and explains it all] Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan. Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain. Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona revolve a Mexico. [refers to "Loveless Land" encompassing Oregon, Nevada, Kansas and the Territories of Utah, Washington, Idaho, Colorado, Dakota, Montana, and Nebraska] And a little piece for me to retire on. [guests laugh]"