"In Affectionate Remembrance of ENGLISH CRICKET, which died at the Oval on 29th AUGUST, 1882, Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances R.I.P."

"N.B. – The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia."

"I've not travelled 6,000 miles to make friends. I'm here to win the Ashes."

"England have only three major problems. They can't bat, they can't bowl and they can't field."

"A fart competing with thunder"

"I'm struggling now, I've not been to bed yet and behind these sunglasses is a thousand stories."

"Matthew Hoggard called the Prime Minister a knob when we were celebrating winning the Ashes at a Downing Street function, and you know what? That's the first thing Hoggy's got right in a while. Blair is a knob."