Rita Rudner

"I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident."

"I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one"."

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?""

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to."

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside."

"[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)"

"Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag."

"I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'.""

"Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind."

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?"

"We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet."