Paul F. Tompkins

"Facebook... is the worst thing in the world. Why are we all still on it? What are we doing? We have the power to bring it down. I have one friend whose Facebook updates are exclusively complaining about Facebook. What is going on? What is this world that we're in?"

"This [the Chick-fil-A same-sex marriage controversy] is the perfect American conundrum because it's like: “Ah, you know, we should be moving forward as a country, but also— I want to eat just so much trash, like a garbage monster, as much as I can.”... Now that you know this shit, don't eat that fuckin' sandwich anymore! It's that simple! You can't get it out of your mind, you know it, you know it, you'll always know it! You can't stop knowing it. And really— don't fuckin' eat Chick-fil-A! What are you doing?— it's garbage! Treat yourself better. Even if you're not going to treat other people who don't have the same rights as you better, treat yourself better than that."

"You have to eat before you drink! If you remember nothing else I've said tonight, remember to eat before you drink!"

"In the line of work that I'm in, every day is Saint Patrick's Day. So I might decide, any old three o'clock in the afternoon, it's Saint Patrick's Day today!"