Paul Blart: Mall Cop

"[talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing."

"[from trailer] Nobody knows this mall better than I do."

"[from trailer] Safety never takes a holiday."

"[after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] It's the . I don't drink."

"[headbutts criminal, groans] Nobody wins with a headbutt."

"[to a villain] Hey you, Scuba-dooby-doo! [sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]"

"[sees Paul hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts] I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how much much candy fell out."

"Y'know, my mother always said: "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here."

"Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?"

"Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe."