Mitch Fatel

"Sometimes when I'm eating a blueberry muffin, it's so tasty and delightful, that I think, "Wow, this is better than sex!" And sometimes when I'm having sex I think, "Wow, this is very expensive. I should have just gotten a muffin." Because it's less expensive and you can cut it in half and save some for later. Yes, you can refrigerate your muffins."

"Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign.""

"I'm as close to retarded as you can get and still live alone, I'll admit that. If there was an island for retarded people, I would be their king. They would be like "he can cut his own meat, he will lead us!""