Eddie Murphy

"A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with rubbish sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit."

"There's somethin' about singing, that is the business! You sing, women go crazy! 'Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly idiot...with big lips! Mick Jagger's lips so big, black people be goin', 'He got some big lips! These are big lips!'"

"Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy - but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world."

"You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what James is talkin' about!"

"(About Stevie Wonder) I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago. I said, 'Look, Steve, I get too much flak over this impression. I don't like doin' it, I ain't doin' this calamity no more.' Stevie said, 'Well, I feel that...' I said, 'Shut up, Steve.' 'Cause you've gotta cut Steve off, 'cause if he get a roll goin' he'll talk your ears off! You ever see Steve win a Grammy and go up and give one of them long acceptance speeches? They say, 'And the winner is Stevie Wonder!' Stevie be goin, 'I'd just like to say...all the people in the world today...God's children...' 'Look, just take the award and get out!' 'Cause the credits be rollin' and Stevie be up there goin' 'And I'd like to thank...' I be in the car, I just said 'Shut up, Steve. I'm tellin' you, you a genius and all that stuff, but you my boy, man, we hangin', man. It's nice and stuff, but I don't appreciate all the flak. And personally, the piano and the singin' and all that, I told you how I feel about singin' man, I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me, take the wheel for a while, idiot!'"

"(Impersonating an angry fan) 'I heard that, man! That wasn't funny! Then I suppose at the end of your little sketch, Stevie crashed into a tree, right? Ha ha, very funny, meanie! Your buddy got a wooden leg with a kick-stand, idiot! Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the chew like this! (Nods his head up and down)"

"(Impersonating his father, drunk at the family cookout) Gus?! What is wrong with your wife?! Why can't she walk a flight of steps?! You come here every year, Gus, and you burn down my backyard, and your wife rips down the steps! Why?! I work hard to get my place beautiful! And then the bully come over and rip the steps down! Look at the steps, they're messed up, Gus! Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps? 'Cause she's a fat, hairy idiot!!"

"(Impersonating his father ranting drunkenly at the cookout) I'll tell you somethin'! You can take your hairy, fat moustache out the heck!! You can go upstairs and get the dog and scoop up the trash, and take Eddie and get these long, Angela Davis afro-wearin' kids of yours and put them in the guni-gugu-mobile and get out!!"

"I have nothing against weirdos. I think an orgasm is your thing, and you should forget whoever you feel like forgetting. Whoever makes you cum the hardest. Anybody who says you shouldn't, politely tell them to mind their own business."