April Winchell

"Out came Ms. Hilton in a Juicy track suit, chattering away like a gibbon on her jewel-encrusted cell phone. It was like magic, if magic were like a extra-strength laxative."

"Look at you, turning on me like a Pomeranian!"

"Your body is a temple, whether you're a Jew or not."

"[Referring to actress Winona Ryder] Get over it! Your "wide-eyed, gamine, trembling chipmunk" thing! Get over it!"

"[Referring to the radio station program director] I'll get him to call me some day, even if it means spilling cheese all over my brassiere at KFI, by gawd."

"I'm doin' radio and there's a bag in front of me on the console that says 'Butt Stink' on it. Somethin' ain't right."

"We've talked about coffee enemas and they're perfectly fine, except the doughnuts get stuck in the hose. And that just ruins everything."