Amy Schumer

"I'm the last person he called that night. I wonder, how many girls didn't answer before he got to fat freshman me? Am I in his phone as Schumer? Probably. But I was here, and I wanted to be held and touched and felt desired, despite everything. I wanted to be with him. I imagined us on campus together, holding hands, proving, "Look! I am lovable! And this cool older guy likes me!" I can't be the troll doll I'm afraid I've become."

"I'm probably like 160 pounds right now, and I can catch a dick whenever I want. Like, that's the truth. It's not a problem. It's not a problem."