L.A. Story

"Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time."

"[Admiring a painting] I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's holding her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect. [[the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]"

"Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?"

"Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.""

"I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day."

"I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start."

"[calling the restaurant] Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties."

"Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."

"Maitre D: You think with a financial statement like this you can have the duck?"

"Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher"

"Victoria Tennant - Sara McDowel"

"Richard E. Grant - Roland Mackey"

"Marilu Henner - Trudi"

"Sarah Jessica Parker - SanDeE"

"Susan Forristal - Ariel"

"Kevin Pollak - Frank Swan"

"Sam McMurray - Morris Frost"

"Patrick Stewart - Mr. Perdue"

"Iman - Cynthia"