"Help someone today!"

"It looks like we've come to a fork in the road. [shoots the vibrating fork like a bow-and-arrow]"

"Not today, death! Not today!"

"We are trained to detect, deter, observe, and report. But one day, 6 years ago, a man did more than that. And I AM TH…"

"Always bet on Blart."

"I don't drink. But I do ride! [slaps horse's butt, then horse kicks him into a car]"

"[from trailer] Come on, Dad. It's a vacation. Try to enjoy it."

"If we live, I'm not going to UCLA."

"Margaret: [final words] Oh, there's my paper. [gets run over by a milk truck]"

"Vincent: Unacceptable. [referring to Paul Blart] Kill him."