Trevor Noah

"So weird, how our prejudices have given everyone their lane. Middle Easterner does something, they're a terrorist. Black person does something, they're gang-related, they're a thug. But if a white guy walks into a church killing nine people there, what do they lead with on the news? "And today, in an isolated incident, a lone gunman walked into a church opening fire and killing nine people." It's always a lone gunman. "A lone gunman with no ties to society whatsoever". They always separate them as quickly as possible."

"We drink to enjoy. The Scottish drink to die."

"For me, Donald Trump is an emotional paradox, I'm not gonna lie. Logically, I can process him, emotionally, I struggle. On the one hand, I will admit, I wake up many days terrified at the notion that he's president of the most powerful nation in the world. But I also must admit, I wake up many days knowing he's gonna make me laugh. There's terror and there's joy and I don't know how to feel. You know what it feels like sometimes? It feels like there's a giant asteroid headed towards the earth, but it's shaped like a penis. Like, I think I'm gonna die, but I know I'm gonna laugh."

"You don't go to South Africa to escape racism. That's where you go to stock up. Are you kidding me, that's the one thing that reminds me of home. The racism out here."

"I spend most of my day screaming — and then over time I get tired and then when I'm tired, I start thinking of the jokes. … That's what I always loved about comedy, it is a way for us to just, you know, to numb the pain, to process what we're going through without feeling every single inkling of it."

"For any comedian, your life informs your point of view, the way you see the world. My comedy comes through the prism of race or class, because those are two worlds that collided for me growing up. And I guess that’s served me well, because those themes cross over countries and continents. We’re all still dealing with those issues today."

"I think the most important thing is to instantly give them a sense of who you are and how you feel in that moment. If a speaker is nervous and tells the audience that, people immediately contextualize it and respond accordingly. If a performer is in a good mood or feeling wild and crazy and says so, I’ve found, the crowd will be good at matching that energy. So for me, the rapport is built by a genuineness conveyed as quickly as possible."

"The weird thing is, I always say to people, "When you're poor, being poor sucks. But being poor together makes it a lot better." Right? Because you're in it together. And it doesn't discount the fact that you don't have much. But then you start to enjoy the things that you do have. And that is each other. And so we laughed. We enjoyed ourselves. We had something that sometimes you don't have when you have too much. And that is the ability to focus on the human beings around you."

"Growing up as a young boy in Wakanda, I would see King T’Challa flying over our village, and he would remind me of a great Xhosa phrase: Abelungu abazi ubu ndiyaxoka, which means: ‘In times like these, we are stronger when we fight together than when we try to fight apart.’"

"…I like to think that I am the product of a world of impossibilities. You know, my mother is where she should have never been. I think my mother made greater leaps than I have ever made. It's just that her leaps were made within her world and so maybe don't seem as grand. But I think my family, myself, my country, we come from a place where we have achieved the impossible…"

"Every single one of you, whether you like it or not, is a bastion of democracy. And if you ever begin to doubt your responsibilities. If you ever begin to doubt how meaningful it is, look no further than what's happening in Ukraine. Look at what's happening there. Journalists are risking and even losing their lives to show the world what's really happening. You realize how amazing it is. Like in America, you have the right to seek the truth and speak the truth, even if it makes people in power uncomfortable. Even if it makes your viewers or readers uncomfortable. Do you understand how amazing that is? I stood here tonight and I made fun of the President of the United States, and I'm going to be fine. — I'm going to be fine, right? Like, do you really understand what a blessing it is? Maybe it's happened for so long that you — it might slip your mind, it's a blessing. In fact, here — ask yourself this question. Honestly ask yourself this question: If Russian journalists, who are losing their livelihoods ... and their freedom for daring to report on what their own government is doing. If they had the freedom to write any words, to show any stories, or to ask any questions. If they had, basically, what you have, would they be using it in the same way that you do? Ask yourself that question every day. Because you have one of the most important roles in the world."

"I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don’t really need a distinction between them. If I’m doing something on stage and it evokes an emotion, then I might show that emotion, but I also don’t believe in being a preacher. If you have a point, that’s a bonus. But the funny has to come first, otherwise you shouldn’t call yourself a comedian."

"(What book might people be surprised to find on your shelves?) Books about self-esteem and depression."

"I felt like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it was, like, the weirdest thing ever. I just came for a tour, I just wanted some of the Wonka bars and then the next thing, I'm, like, managing the Oompa Loompas. I'm like "Aaah! I don't know how this works, this is crazy!""

"Laughter is strange in that if we think of all the emotions that we're able to express or feel, one of the things about laughter that's particularly interesting to me is it's one of the few emotions that robs your pain of its power."

"I think sometimes it's hard for us to think about the possibility of a better future because we haven't lived in it."

"[Interviewer: When you say you "wouldn't be here" with me, what do you mean by that?] You wouldn't be calling me here to have an interview with me, because I wouldn't have done the things that I've done. Because I couldn't have done them alone. Because nobody could have done them alone. Nobody has done the things they've done alone, you know? Like, everyone-- I've seen people tell these stories of climbing Mount Everest and Maya-san, and-- Yo, all those sherpas that went with you, let's talk about them. No one's climbing Everest alone! No one's discovering, y'know, the, the South Pole alone! No, you weren't! In fact, the guy who first navigated the South Pole was led there by somebody, you know what I mean?"

"I hear people all the time go like "I'm gonna put my head down and I'm gonna crush it!" Okay, alone? Good luck."

"I learned so many things at The Daily Show, I'm eternally grateful for them... but I also would like to learn more things? Even in the years I haven't been there, I've re-learned and re-remembered that politics isn't a binary. It's not blue and red, that's an illusion. There aren't two ideas for every problems, that's fake. There are a multitude of ways to discuss any issue and any topic. But if you stay in one place for long enough, then in a good way and in a bad way, you start to perceive that as reality. [...] All my friends that are South African were trapped in South Africa, couldn't leave, couldn't come to me, I couldn't go to them. Couldn't see my family. And I wasn't even big on that, it's not even that I was like "Oh, I've gotta go home to see my family," I just go when I'll go. But now, I realized, I was like, wow! This is just-- again, it's fleeting. And I had to ask myself "Trevor, what are you trying to achieve in your life? Where do you want it to go? Where do you want it to end, y'know? What's more important to you? The ratings on the success of this show and this idea, or the ratings on the success of your friendships and your relationships?""

"[If] you read the news once a week, I promise you, you'll be as informed as somebody who's reading it every single day. You know why? 'Cause when you're reading it every day, you are caught in the cycle of it trying to discover what it doesn't know yet."

"And that is a problem I have with, like, a lot of American political spin -- they try and tell you that what you're seeing is not what you're seeing."

"I think, again, as an old person, you should have a dignified end. You know? And I think we've robbed old people of that in society, y'know, like Capitalism and whatever. It's like, no, it's nice to, like, "You go, you've live your life, you've done your thing, and you can relax now.""

"Ben Carson: for people who like Donald Trump's ideas, but hate his charm and charisma. Ben Carson is like the drug free cocaine for people who don't wanna get high but just like snorting white powder."

"Of course Ben Carson advisors can't make him smart, you can't change its brain. That's a job for a neurosurgeon. It's the same when your barber has a #### haircut."

"Donald Trump didn't invent racism. Trump didn't invent islamophobia. And he didn't invent violence. All he did was put his name on them like he does with everything else."

"Race jokes are kind of like orcas: powerful and entertaining, but you put them on display in the wrong environment and people are going to get hurt, and the joke might die. Like this one just did."

"Hey, son, what the hell is with your haircut? Did you see a paintbrush and say "I want that dude's look!"?"

"The credits from the second Godfather are better than Godfather III."

"Let's be honest: in general men are stronger than women. That's not sexist, it's just true. If anyone is sexist, it's Nature. Yeah, Nature is the one who was hanging stuff out and was like: "Ok, men, you get the big muscles and you orgasm every time you have sex. Hell, sometimes you have an orgasm just by accident! That's how easy it's gonna be for you! And for the ladies... you get to put an entire human being out of your vagina. Have a good day.""

"In life only three things are certain: death, Adobe updates and taxes."

"ISIS without guns is just basically a blog."

"The Trump tape shouldn't offend you on behalf of females. It should offend you as a human being."

"They're conflating sex talk and sexual assault talk, alright? Trying to make Trump's comments sound normal is not something that they're achieving, 'cause I'm sorry, that is not normal. There is a big difference between saying dirty words and glorifying non-consensual sexual contact. Not every guy has these conversations. No. That's a crime. There is a big difference. People are like, "oh, come on, guys talk dirty". Yeah, guys talk dirty, but guys are not all having conversations about sexual assault. It feels like more people are focused on "he said pussy". It's not about that. It's about him saying he forces himself on women. You tell me what's worse - a guy who says, "last night I dined with a lovely lady, and immediately afterwards, I escorted her back to her residence and proceeded to caress her genitals despite her lack of invitation." Or is this one worse - "oh man, last night I was rolling with this bad bitch, and I was like, "yo, you gonna let me smash that ass?", and she said "no", and I was like, "okay, no pussy for me"." Which one is worse? Now, don't get me wrong. Neither of them is ideal, but one of them is crude, and the other is against the law."

"Welcome to the 2016 presidential election. If you're on TV and you say something that offends the nation, you're gonna lose your job. But don't worry, you can still run for president."

"Have you ever argued with a toddler? Because if you have, you probably lost that argument, or you killed the toddler. Either way, you didn't win the argument, because you can't win an argument against a toddler. Toddlers will say the most outlandish shit. [...] Over the course of this election season, we've come to realize that president-elect Donald Trump might have the mind of a toddler. And if you think about it, it makes sense. He loves the same things that toddlers do. They like building things. They love attention, always grabbing things they're not supposed to. [...] You don't argue with a child if you want to win. Don't amplify the toddler's voice, because you'll just get trapped in the toddler's world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate. Because logic is the downfall of every toddler. The point is to gently demoralize the toddler and smother his tantrums. And, as a bonus, stop him from delegitimizing the press."

"Juggling is such a white thing, as well, when you think about it. No, just the whole concept. You have so much stuff that, at some point, you are like: "I can't even hold all of this stuff! I'll have to throw some of it in the air!" That's probably how juggling started. Someone was like: "Wow, you have three things, but you only have two hands. Would you like to share something with me?" "No, no, I'll figure this out"."

"He really is a TV president. [...] He loves the performance of doing things. But a lot of the time, nothing's actually being done. Essentially, Donald Trump wants to be president, but he doesn't want to do president."

"At this point, it's not even a high-level controversy. This isn't House of Cards. Like, this isn't even Veep. It wouldn't even qualify for Blue's Clues."

"Donald Trump sees the presidency the same way he sees one of his companies: its whole purpose is to serve him and only him. [...] the whole purpose of the Justice Department, which he thinks is not to uphold law. No, no, no, it's to do the president's bidding. The same way he probably thinks the purpose of the Energy Department is to charge his iPhone. [...] The only thing more shocking than his autocratic view of power is his willingness to talk so openly about it. In a strange way Donald Trump is both the most honest and dishonest president of all time. I figured it out, people. He's not cinnamon Hitler, he's Abraham Nixon."

"Maybe we need to change who gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and when. Because so many people have won the prize and they've benefitted from all of its prestige, and then they've gone on to not be peaceful. Like, maybe we should only give the Nobel Peace Prize to people after their career is over and they've passed away, right? It's at the end. We can call it the "Rest in Peace Prize." Then we know you're not gonna surprise us, you're not gonna hurt anyone. Unless someone trips on your grave."

"This idea that black people should be grateful is some sneaky-ass racism. Yeah, because when a white billionaire spends a year screaming that America is a disaster, he's in touch with the country. But when a black man kneels quietly, he should be grateful for the successes America has allowed him to have? [...] It almost feels like white people earn the money, but black people are given it."

"You still haven't told us the right way for black people to protest. I mean, we know: it's wrong to do it in the streets, it's wrong to do it in the tweets. You cannot do it on the field, you cannot do it if you've kneelt. And don't do it if you're rich, you ungrateful son of a bitch. Because there's one thing that's a fact, you cannot protest if you're black."

"This is what I find weird in these arguments, it's that people go "they're not African, they're French". Then I'm like, why can't they be both? Right? Why is that duality only afforded to a select group of people? Why can they not be African? So what they're arguing here is, in order to be French, you have to erase everything that is African?"

"This is what I find interesting, is, like, when I read stories from Africa and when I watch what politicians say, especially in France, about African migrants: When they are unemployed, when they may commit a crime or when they're considered unsavory, it's the African immigrants. When their children go on to provide a world cup victory for France, we should only refer to them as French."

"Boris Johnson looks like if Donald Trump drank."

"Wait, what? White supremacists aren't a threat because they can only fill a college football stadium? My man, those stadiums hold a hundred thousand people. We shouldn't have enough white supremacists to fill a golf cart, that's how many we should have. [...] White supremacists are like babies on a plane, even one is enough to ruin your day."

"I feel bad for anyone in private insurance who's scared of losing their job. But on the other hand, screw private insurance! I'm sorry, insurance companies are assholes."

"You know what the problem in America is? It's that white people call the police like they're asking for the manager. It's like, "this is unacceptable, I demand to see someone who might shoot you"."

"The part where we say who's good and who's bad and who started-- let's-- let's step away from that and instead ask a different question: Instead, let's look at who's dead and who's alive this week."

"And look, I don't know if I want to eat at a restaurant where everybody's armed. I mean, it's a fun gimmick, but you realize the second someone drops a plate, that place is turning into a Tarantino movie. I mean, it's still a restaurant, so you can't have bare feet, but otherwise, it's a Tarantino movie. But clearly, this person has an unhealthy fixation with guns."