Major League

"[in Mexico, upon receiving a phone call asking him to report to Cleveland Indians spring training] ... is that you, Tolbert?! This isn't very funny, you know. I'm hung over! My knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees!"

"[to Rexman] Hey, Rexman! Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, you guys trailing by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television–if you don't blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You must be very very proud. Oh, and that guy she was with? Oh, I'm sure he's a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head? [Rexman pops the ball straight up] Uh-oh, Rexy I don't think this one's got the distance."

"Second base... [underthrows second baseman] shit."

"[about to find out whether he's made the team] Come on Jake. It's only your life."

"[He tries to throw a runner out, talking to himself] Don't bounce the damn ball...[Overthrows the second baseman] Nice throw, dickhead."

"[preparing for Vaughn's first pitch to Heywood. Vaughn shakes off the breaking pitches, until Taylor finally signals for a fastball, which Vaughn nods at] Alright, Ricky. Let's get nasty."

"[to Heywood when he swings and misses on Vaughn's 97 MPH fastball] Sucker was moving, wasn't it? If it'd hit you, it'd leave a 2-foot hole coming out."

"[sliding into home plate in a tux] The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it."

"[Introducing himself] Say, hey! Willie Mays Hayes. I play like Mays, and I run like Hayes."

"Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display."

"Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Hey Jake, man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!"

"[later, with Cerrano about to strike out again] We should've got the live chicken."

"In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."

"Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the off-season, in his major league debut."

"Vaughn into the windup for his first offering... [ball thrown several feet off the plate] Just a bit outside. He tried the corner and missed."

"Ball four...ball eight...low and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. Boy, how can these guys lay off pitches that close?"

"Just a reminder fans about Die Hard Night coming up here in the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant. [35 years prior.]"

"The post-game show is brought to you by... [searches through his papers] Christ, I can't find it. The hell with it!"

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor."

"Vaughn deals...and Heywood swings and crushes one towards South America. Tomlinson will need a visa to catch this one, it is out of here and there is nothing left but a vapor trail. [extended version] Let's hope we still have diplomatic relations with the country that baby lands in."

"Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [covers microphone with hand and turns to Monty] Thank God!"

"We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a helluva job."

"Heywood's a convicted felon, isn't he Monty? [Monty: Ah...doesn't really say it here.] Well, he should be!"

"Hayes is picked off! Well, so much for that. Personally I think we got hosed on that call."

"And for the Indians, that's one run on, let's see...one hit? That's all we got?, one goddamn hit? [Monty: You can't say "goddamn" on the air!] Don't worry; nobody's listening anyway."

"And the Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT!"

"Forget about the curve ball, Ricky. Give him the heater!"

"[After Hayes has made a Willie Mays style basket catch] Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again."

"Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me twenty push-ups."

"[After Dorn has jumped out of the way of a ground ball and then tried to field it anyway] C'mon, Dorn ! Get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this '¡Olé!' bullshit!"

"[Contemplating Rick Vaughn in sleeveless uniform] Alright, Vaughn. They tell us you're a pitcher; you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son! Understood?"

"Eddie Harris: Up your butt, Jobu."

"Eddie Harris: Are you trying to say that Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"

"Eddie Harris: Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

"Pedro Cerrano: [having decided on a new use for Dorn's golf club covers] Hats for bats, keep bats warm."

"Pedro Cerrano: I'm pissed off now, Jobu... I go to you. I stick up for you. And you no help me now... I say FUCK YOU, Jobu. I do it myself."

"Pedro Cerrano: Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum... Is very bad."

"Roger Dorn: Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: Strike this motherfucker out!"

"Roger Dorn: [Talking about a ground ball he missed] It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?"

"Rachel Phelps: Here's to the thrill of defeat, Charlie."

"Rachel Phelps: [while Wild Thing is playing] I hate this fucking song."

"When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball."

"A comedy with bats and balls."

"Tom Berenger - Jake Taylor"

"Charlie Sheen - Rick Vaughn"

"Wesley Snipes - Willie Mays Hays"

"Rene Russo - Lynn Wells"

"Corbin Bernsen - Roger Dorn"

"Margaret Whitton - Rachel Phelps"

"James Gammon - Lou Brown"